


The Big Bang "World War Z" Theory

by Green Verde (Green_V_starwarsfan)



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dale - Freeform, Golden Lions (apartment flag), Humor, Incest, India, Other Characters - Freeform, Rabies, Survival, Synagogue, Violence, World War Z - Freeform, Zazzy, Zombie, Zombie Virus, annoying waiter - Freeform, dale "can't do returns they're hard" how lame is that, dale has a bad laugh, dale the guy who works at the comic book store, gerard - Freeform, miscellaneous, only one dale, sugartits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-01
Updated: 2014-02-07
Packaged: 2017-12-22 02:28:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/907798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green_V_starwarsfan/pseuds/Green%20Verde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Foreign Zombie pandemic eventually makes its way to the US, and of course Pasadena.  </p><p>Many places fall hard, but others do what they can to resist.</p><p>What will happen to the characters?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning:  Peaceful

**Author's Note:**

> Completely alternate universe yet as plausible and in universe as possible.
> 
> I'll do everything I can to keep everyone in character as possible.  
> Sorry if I deviate or get something really "wrong." 
> 
> Not planning on writing a crossover at all, despite the title. Elements from WWZ and other zombie sources planned to be incorporated, but pretty much just Big Bang Theory if Zombie Apocalypse happened. I saw World War Z the movie, and didn't read the book so I can't take that much anyway.
> 
> Original Characters planned to be incorporated, but mostly conjecture about fellow apartment mates and such. Absolutely no MS! I never, ever write "myself" in a fic, ever; again I'm not in this. I'm actually writing one of my good friends and his friend into the story, foibles, warts and all. So this story is kind of like what would happen if my "slacker" friends were in TBBT? They aren't really slackers like stoner pothead types, more like slackers compared to the main Big Bang Theory characters. They don't work as much as Penny does so they are slackers haha. 
> 
> I rated this as Mature mostly due to violence. This isn't going to be smutty so there. Overall it's more of a Teen and Up but I rated Mature since more people might read this if it's rated "up there" hehe.
> 
> Sorry if you don't like- write your own story or read something else! 
> 
> Enjoy!

New journalist and internet columnist David Burris finally gets his first big story after the end of the Zombie War.  David was thrilled his old college buddy, Stuart Bloom, had agreed to an interview.  David's earlier stories were depressing reports of the decimation of the art world, not to mention museums and priceless pieces insufficiently guarded.  Getting back to Pasadena, and the LA area, was rough.  He cringed, thinking about the old apartment.  Worse, David worried about his family and his childhood home.  The Burrises mostly lived down in Orange County, CA.  Being "behind the Orange Curtain" was good, at first.  After a while, the Burris family abandoned their longtime home for a distant safe zone, hoping nothing would happen to their residence.  Even if Zombies didn't reach much into the OC, the house could have been looted or occupied by squatters or both.  San Diego had always been contested, right up till the end. CNN and other news agencies did a top notch job of covering urban battles, but suburbs and rural areas were often ignored for various reasons.  It had not been widely reported yet what happened in the areas least hit by Zombies.  Pasadena was right by LA, and of course was facing the full force of Zombie offensives.     

"Hey Stuart."

"Hello David.  It's been some time!  Wow you're a Journalist now huh?"

"I am.  The starving artist thing never worked too well for me, plus the Zombie War killed the art scenes.  The remaining artists forsake originality for all things Zombie.  It seems I made the right choice to go into journalism."

"Right."

"So what did you do before the war?"

"I ran the Comic Book shop, the only one in Pasadena.  I ran it right up to the point where panic set in."

"Before it reached our shores?"

"No, right when it reached the US, well the West Coast really."

"What did you do?  Did you fight?"

"It would take a long time to explain what happened during that time.  Did _I, myself,_ fight?  Not really, no.  I was consumed with grief, about what was happening.  After a few urgent phone calls to family, telling them to call me at anytime; nobody called.  I can go into detail about them later.  Things started to get bad right away.  Many peoples plans fell apart.  Martial law didn't help much.  Even if I was told there were only so many zombies out there, there always seemed to be more than before.  Those were the worst days."

"What about your good friends, the regulars who frequently bought comics and other wares from you?"

"You mean Leonard, Sheldon, and all those guys?"

"The Caltech people, yes."

"It's quite the story.  Good, yet tiring and sad.  I didn't always feel it, but things were improving right up till the end.  Many people fought zombies, but only a few tipped the balance.  Some lived.  Many died.  I'm lucky because of the many that died I didn't know most of them." 

"Can you tell me what happened?"

"Yes."

 

* * *

 

"Bazinga! Three matches in a row!" Sheldon was enthused at his success in Triviador, a multiplayer flash game he had been playing late into Thursday night. Apparently it was an 'Anything can Happen' Thursday. The Gang was separated, doing their own thing that day.  Leonard finally comes back to the apartment and sees Sheldon using his laptop while he cheers himself, while Sheldon is enjoying everything in His Spot even more than usual.

"Hey Sheldon. Don't you look happy? Whatcha doin'?"

"Oh hello Leonard. I'm playing Triviador. Just a fun, zazzy flash quiz game. Like Risk but it makes me zazzy!" Leonard looks at him funny.

"It's quite easy, much simpler than a decent game of Jeopardy. You know Jeopardy, the game Howard can't play because he's not a doctor. I mean Howard is an oompa loompa of a simpleton! Oh yes! Yet I'm undefeated! My first three matches are a spectacular blowout! Bazinga Bazinga Bazinga! Hat Trick!"

Sheldon clicks out so he can engage Leonard in conversation about what was going on. Leonard laughs a little as the insult against Howard finally gets processed.

"Oh yeah, Howard... that dumbass. Oh, Howard!"

"What about you, Leonard?"

"Oh you know, the usuall.." Leonard grinned ear to ear. "Getting laid with a random girl! Also having a bit of wine, knocking back a few beers, and a breast or two."

Sheldon looked down, grimaced, and put his right hand on his brow. "Oh, Leonard.. Leonard, Leonard. That is not your usual. Even if it was, I don't want to hear about it. I never have. Not that, anyway."

Leonard smiled in a drunken way and made an unusual expression with his arms. "Oh, Sheldon! Come on! It's better than playing kids at some dumb game!"

"I doubt kids are playing this game. Even if they are, they have no business answering questions about Mt. Fuji, old movies, and Alexander the Great!"

"Touche."

"So do you have anything good to talk about?  Or are you just going to go sleep off your drunkenness?"

"Oh..ah... the tv reported something about..... _something._   I dunno.  Kinda bad I guess.  I was drinking so I don't know what they said.  I was staring at my glass, and cleavage, while talking to her."

"Obviously."

"Hey, ah, can I play?  Or watch you play?" 

"Alas, there is a ranking system so it would be randomized if we would play against each other at all. We really can't play. Just watch me."

"Ok. Maybe I'll help."

"Doubtful."

Leonard did manage to help. Betty Buckley was born in the 1940's.

"Thank you, Leonard. Pop Culture is not one of my strong suits. Though I still think you guessed."

"Yeah yeah..."

The Spanish Civil War started in 1936, not 1937.

"I made a boo boo! I misclicked on that number pad!"

"Yeah, sure sure.. at least they put 1902. Some moron put 1970!" Leonard laughed. "Your answer wins!"

Of course, Mount Kilimanjaro is not 500 meters tall!

"Leonard, I entered it wrong, but I know that mountain is way taller than you!"

Leonard leaned over, overjoyed. "First off, I'm about 5 feet 7 and a half inches tall, not 500 meters. Secondly, that mountain is way more than 5000 meters tall! You only put 500! You had the stupidest answer that time! Bah ha ha!"

"Mt. Kilimanjaro is 5,985 meters tall. Shut it Leonard."

Leonard was about to fall asleep and Sheldon was getting tired also.

"Ooh Bazinga! Fourth match won! Well, time for me to get some sleep."

"Ah me too. I'm feeling like crap despite all the fun I had."

"Well, I'm feeling exuberant, yet tired. Tell me more about you feeling like crap tomorrow, Leonard. I would like that."

"On your desk in the morning." Sheldon glowingly exuded his cheerful mood while sitting in his spot.

"Go sleep Leonard. Let me sit alone and enjoy the exciting, timeless, penultimate thrill of powning Noobs!!!!! Dumb, stupid, mere mortal newbies in a game of smarts! Bazinga! I'm so zazzy."

Suddenly Leonard's mobile phone rang. "Sheldon! Pick up my phone man and tell me who is calling me at this nighty howard!"

Sheldon got up and picked the phone up off the floor. "Certainly Leonard." Sheldon's new therapy on Saturdays takes the place of him doing his own laundry. Leonard was carefully trained on how to do Sheldon's laundry, and Sheldon reveled in the occasional yelling he gave to his short spectacled friend. Sheldon's OCD and slight Aspergers syndromes were hard to manage, but he was at least less arrogant, if not more agreeable and slightly more sociable. Things were so bad Amy threatened to permanently end their relationship and their friendship, while Leonard threatened to move out. Sheldon's insistence on routine reached terrible new heights. But what broke Sheldon was being called an old man, not to mention how well everyone in the group knew him, how they could manipulate him to go to therapy anyway. Ironically, in return for going to therapy Sheldon got everything he wanted. He picked a good, agreeable doctor and his mom and friends paid for the extra therapy for "non-crazy" people. The debate is still out, but people tend to like the new "Zazzy" Sheldon more than the old stick-in-the-mud Sheldon.

"Leonard, it's Raj."

"Tell him to go fuck himself off. I'm definitelee a goin to a bed!!"

"Hello Raj. Mr. Zazzy Sheldon here!"

"Sheldon!? What the F dude? Give the phone to Leonard! I have to talk to him!"

"Well not so fast friend. Leonard is drunk off his own ass. He said and I quote.."

"Sheldon, I have to talk to Leonard! It is super important. Right NOW!!!!!!!!"

Sheldon yells, "Leonard!  It's Raj and he says it's Super Important and He Has To Talk!!!!!!"

Leonard groans.  "Ugh...ohh..agh... Fiiiine!!!!  Gimme that!"  

Leonard speaks loudly into the phone half-cocked:  **"What is it?"**

"Dude!  Have you and Sheldon NOT been watching any of the news?"

"What is this about?  Ahhhhhh.."

"Zombies!  Zombies overrun and fight my native India!  My parents, cousins, family and friends all probably dead!  I never felt worse.  My Periinnts!! Meh!!! Bahh haw awwawwwwww".

Raj cries over the phone. 

"Look Raj I'm very tired and I had alot to drink but even I am not going to buy that shit right now."

Raj sniffs.  "Listen:  Turn on CNN you **DOUCHEBAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!** "

*knock knock knock* "Sheldon!  Sheldon!  WAKE UP Sheldon!"

"Wheeeeeaaaaaauuutttt!  I'm feeling more tired and less zazzy!"

Leonard snapped his fingers. "Up. Tv.  CNN.  Turn it On, go, now."   Leonard said firmly.

"We're going to turn on CNN, Raj."

LIVE BREAKING NEWS OUT OF INDIA.  ZOMBIES ARE REAL.  ZOMBIES INVADED INDIA AND ARE OVERRUNNING THE COUNTRY.  APPARENTLY A STRANGE RABIES VIRUS HAS RAISED THE DEAD AND INDIA IS DOING ALL IT CAN TO CONTAIN THE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK.  THIS IS NOT A PRANK.  THESE ARE LIVE PICTURES OUT OF INDIA OF ARMY TROOPS GUNNING DOWN ZOMBIES, HOLDING THEM BACK FOR THE TIME BEING.  WE WILL BRING YOU THE LATEST FROM THE NEWSROOM.  ZOMBIES: THE FIGHT FOR INDIA

"We're sorry Raj.  We'll talk to you later."

"Yeah, you do that Leonard."  

Leonard turned off the tv.  

"Night, Sheldon."

"Night."  

 


	2. Transition: Spread Despite the Calm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More news about the Zombie situation. The world reacts. 
> 
> Sheldon and Leonard wake up to reality.
> 
> Raj talks to his parents.
> 
> Howard and Bernadette.

"So what happens the next day, Stuart?"

"Well the world reacts in a typical fashion, and in some unusual ways as well.  You know much of this."

"I'm aware of how world governments reacted in general, as well as the plague next appearing prominently in Japan."

"Such a tragedy."

"Indeed." 

"More locally, with my friends, I can go more into detail about events here, close by the comic book store."

"Please do."

"I'm glad I had access to a great deal of information.  I have my sources." 

"Every journalist needs them."

"I'm not a journalist, just a witness, sort of.  I didn't see the guys until...."

"Until?"

"Nevermind.  I'll get to that later, also about Dale." 

"The weird guy who worked for you Dale?  Him?"

"Yes there's only one Dale!  That slacker took off work, damn him." 

"So what happened to him?"

"I'll get to that." 

"Will you go on more about your friends?"

"Yes."

* * *

 

Sheldon was not feeling good, but he woke up anyway.  He wanted his camomile tea with extra honey.  Today was a rare day when Sheldon wanted French Toast and cereal. 

Leonard looked wired.  The pot for the coffeemaker still had half of its coffee content in it.  Leonard was fixated on his laptop and the television.  CNN was on a comfortably low volume so it was more like background noise.

CNN CRAWL:  TOKYO, CENTRAL JAPAN CONTAIN ESTIMATED MILLIONS OF ZOMBIES; JAPAN SECOND COUNTRY IN ASIA TO BE HIT WITH ZOMBIES; RUMORS OF ZOMBIE APPEARANCES STRONGLY DENIED BY COUNTRIES OUTSIDE OF ASIA; U.N. DECLARES UNITED FRONT AGAINST ZOMBIES; W.H.O. MOBILIZED; UNPRECEDENTED COOPERATION BETWEEN FORMER FOES- GLOBAL CEASEFIRE, END OF MOST CONFLICTS; CHINA THROWS WEIGHT AROUND, BLAMES INDIA FOR ZOMBIE OUTBREAK, ASEAN APPALLED; NEW DIPLOMATIC ROW- ASIAN COUNTRIES, RUSSIA CONDEMN CHINESE 'SPAT' -AUSTRALIA: 'TANTRUM' -TAIWAN: 'BULLYING' -JAPAN: 'NOT HELPING'.

"Oh look who decided to get up this morning!"

"Why hello Drunken Idiot.  Why ask when the answer is me?"

"Oh be nice."

"But I am nice.  I'm also the funniest, the smartest, the most social- the only non crazy person that can hold our group together.  What holds the group together?  My greatness!"

Leonard pokes his head up.

"Yeah, that's great because it's all true."

Leonard looks back down into his laptop.

Sheldon pours himself a small bowl of Honey Puffs and eats quickly.  He read's Leonard's note that he printed out.

_To Dr. Sheldon Cooper:  I feel like crap because I had way too much to drink last night.  I was physically drained and mentally scattered.  I wanted to collapse onto a bed and of course I did.  I hope I don't regret my fun last night with a woman whose name I don't know.  I only remember what she looks like through her breasts and cleavage.  I might prefer larger bosoms, or just get really lucky.  Your eidetic memory wouldn't help too much if you don't look at her whole body.  I also would have rather spent the night at Penny's having coitus with her.  I can't go into detail about that or I will have to join you in therapy.  Your ~~friend~~ Roommate, Dr Leonard Hofstadter._

_p.s. Rajesh is an whiny, overly effeminate bitch.  He's so girly he is a bitch now.  I hope Koothrappali stays in his apartment, watching Sex and the City and sobbing into the ice cream.  He has to leave the manly men alone.  Howard doesn't drone on about the Holocaust, so I like him better than Raj potentially going on and on and on about the new one.  
_

Sheldon smoothly states, "Very interesting.  I appreciate you telling me how you felt like crap.  About your p.s., Harsh but true.  Raj may prove to be extremely irksome in the future."

"Thanks, Sheldon.  That means alot coming from you." 

"You're welcome."

"You're a good friend."

Sheldon smiles a tad.

"Also Raj may be really bad, so keeping him away from the news and us might be for the best."

Sheldon jokingly opines from his spot,  "True dat." 

"So what are we going to do today?"

"Today looks open, since the world is almost ending.  Perhaps Keep the world from looking like crap for you longer, Leonard.  Put that letter away!  It's quite the hoot but others will disagree.  Dang blabbermouths will tell him what you said.  Also Raj would shrivel up into a mopey little ball if he reads that."

"I agree."  Leonard puts the letter away in his room and comes back.

Sheldon gets a good look at Leonard.  The glasses don't make him look less jittery.

"Leonard, you look positively intoxicated by the exotic black brew!"

"Really?"

Sheldon says matter of factly, "Yes."

Awkward silence while Leonard keeps drinking coffee.  Leonard breaks the silence.

"Oh, do you want French Toast?"

"Yes, but that's not fresh.  I was in a mood to make myself some, despite today not being a day I normally make that."

"Well, I had a feeling you would want French Toast so have the rest.  I'm full.  You have breakfast because I had coffee."

"That definitely saves me some time.  I'll have my tea done soon so I can take on the day."

Sheldon preps the kettle in the kitchen and gets out the camomile.  Sheldon proceeds to sit in his spot and eat the French Toast.  Sheldon isn't gaily enthused like he was yesterday, but finds Leonard's cooking acceptable anyway.

"We could start seeing zombies anytime Sheldon.  We all need coffee to stay alive."

"That's a bit of a stretch isn't it?"

"Not especially.  Are you really **that** opposed to drinking coffee?  Do you really think it is a drug or do you care about that promise you made to your mother before you moved from Texas?"

"I don't have much regard left for my mother.  For one thing she's nothing like Meemaw.  I hate my mother more than my discomfort with breaking a small, strange, hokum of a promise.  She might demand I face the third world rapture in our old Texas family home while I pray to Jesus nonstop with her cult.  Gimme my coffee!"

"You got it man!"

"My therapist will think I've made such good progress.  Though he might make me drink wine like a Greek.  Still, as long as he doesn't make me eat lamb we're good."

"I'm with you on that."   

Sheldon remembers,  "My water on the stove is hot!  Time for tea!"

"..and not too soon."  Leonard mutters.

* * *

 

Raj didn't have to wait too long before taking to his parents, on cam chat over the computer. 

"Mummy!  Daddy!  Finally!  Ah, you're both alive!  I'm saved!"  Raj kisses his desktop computer screen, embarrassing everybody.

Raj's father says sternly, "Hello Rajesh."

Mother pipes in, "Hello sweetheart.  We have good news and bad news."

Raj backs away.  "What's the bad news?"

"First, son, for the love of Vishnu quit kissing the computer screen!  Stop having a cow!  I might start flipping out, as you might say." 

Raj does his best to compose himself.  "Sorry, father.  I barely slept so I woke up to try to talk to you."

"Anyways, I'll just get out with it:  Sanjay is infected.  We got a call from his call center where he worked.  He was infected right away and is still out there or he was killed trying to bite somebody."

"Who else?  Is Sanjay the only one, father?"

"Your other cousin, Venkatesh, foolishly left the house after he was safely inside.  He was overwhelmed by rakshasa.  The Army did what they had to do.  The infantry fought."

Raj's mother interrupted, "You're giving him all the bad news!"  She looks right at the screen.  "There is no more bad news Raj.  We are all on a plane and we bought our sanctuary in Nepal.  We're sharing our new abode with wealthy friends.  Our new home is so luxurious, just less Indian is all.  We are waiting to take off.  Our private plane is lovely, mostly Koothrappalis inside, and our servants."

"What about Lingamneni?"

"Shivaram is alright, son." 

"Oh, praise Shakti that is good news."  Raj is beside himself he actually pretended to be Hindu.

"He is on the plane.  You wish to speak?"

"Not really."

Shivaram popped into view. "Errrrrrrrrrrrrr.  Hello Raj."  Shivaram is supposedly a really wise guru, despite being about the same age as Raj.  He looks much like Ghandi did.  The Lingamnenis tend to be very typical, serious Hindus.  Like many Hindus, Shivaram is a strict vegetarian.

"Hey Shiv.  What's going on dude?"

"Your father tells me about his work.  It is most excellent!  Why are you not a gynecologist?"

"I love vagina, probably more than you!  But you already know why, besides my love for astrophysics!"

"Hahahahaha errrr you should read the Vedas more closely.  Something to talk to a good Indian girl about!  Maybe go over Kama Sutra after."

"Yeah.  I'm open to a girl who likes me for me!  Also who likes me sexually!  No more lesbians mom and dad!"

"That was not our fault son.  Completely hers, and despicable I might add.  She is also not one of my patients so I should've assumed that could have been an issue."

Mother jokes, "You know what they say when a woman only sees female gynecologists.  Also I met your father before he was a professional inspector.  Ahhahahaha."

Raj asks, "So Shivvy how did you end up on the last lifeboat off the Titanic?"

"I've been tutoring your siblings.  Some are really bad at math."  They laugh. 

"Everyone's bad at math compared to you man!  Come on!"

"Quite so.  Hey they're passing around a large bag of nuts; lots of big salty nuts for me.  Airrrr I really do want some!  I'll talk later, Rajesh."  The lanky young man waves goodbye awkwardly and moves out of view.

"Rajesh, son, your sister Priya is going to America.  We are beginning to take off so I'll keep this short.  She is to stay in your apartment.  Help her.  Take care of her if things go bad in America, oh Gods!  We begged Priya to only have Indian children, under the circumstances, so hopefully she can find a good suitor."

"Ok father, mother?"

"She should be flying over the Pacific by now.  We Indians and the Americans humiliated her with a rabies shot, but it's more protection than nothing.  The security was the worst, but it was the only way to get her out of the country to the US."

"So that's it, I have to let Priya move in, despite liking my apartment the way it is?"

"She's bringing you gifts, son.  Be good."

The connection cuts out. 

Raj says to himself, "She may have gifts, but I'm not picking her up!  I'll probably get tired of her, so I'll have to move out." 

* * *

Howard Wolowitz, Bernadette, and his mom walk out of the synagogue.  The Rabbi spoke about the zombie problem now facing the world.

Howard says to no one in particular,  "God help us.  Also God help me I want a whopping BLT right now!"

Mrs. Wolowitz yells, " **Howard I'm going home!  I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that!** "

"Oy vey the world is going to end mother.  Is a little bacon going to hurt anything?"

" **Just everything!  Keep kosher!  You two have a good walk!** "

"Ok Ma!" 

"Mmm Howie I want a sandwich too.  Full of ham."

"You're making me hungry Bernie!"

"The girls are texting me too much!  Look at all this!"

"Oh that's nothing, Bernadette.  You're lucky you don't have more.  I have way more oh shit!  Dangit why do I have all these texts from the guys on my phone!?  I'm going to have to read all this and text back 'Stop Texting Me!'  Tsk tsk tsk, wag the finger Raj.  Ok Leonard!  Okay!  Also Sheldon is recovering from being Sheldon... I swear these guys..  I mean really!"

"Well, you're that popular!"

"I know." 


	3. Transition: Dining.  sugartits.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard and Bernadette eat at a deli. Conversation turns to Howard's mother.
> 
> Raj, Sheldon, Penny, and Leonard go to Koreatown for Korean food.
> 
> Amy spends time with "Gerard."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided having David and Stuart in every chapter slows down the story and my writing. Only when I really feel it will I write them or only when it seems like they have to say something.
> 
> The part with the big group is more planned than the deli outing. The deli outing is way more spontaneous and fantastical. Sometimes ideas come to you so suddenly the last sentence you wrote those ideas didn't even exist, not even an iota. Freeform writing is probably my best writing. 'Planned' writing seems so lame and it might not be as well liked. Sometimes things just come together and it feels awesome.

"So Howard, you wanted to try this new deli place?", said Bernadette.

"Yeah, Jerry's Famous Deli.  They have a few restaurants in NYC and maybe London and a few places like that.  This place opened up and it's close to Pasadena!  How about that?" 

"This is a great ham sandwich!  You should try it if we come here again."

"Mmmm, the non kosher delights!  I'm just thinking 'Up Yours Ma!'  Hahaha." 

"How funny is it we can eat bacon and ham at a deli?"

"Really funny, Bernadette.  Perhaps 'Jerry' is a really bad Jew."

"Maybe.  Wait is it Jerry Seinfeld?"

"No, different Jerry.  Whoever Jerry is apparently wanted this place Jewish enough to serve Matzo soup, but not too Jewish to keep the pork out!"

"All I care about is the taste of this sandwich!  Amazing ciabatta bread!  If your heiny was ciabatta I'd eat it all night long!"

"Oh take a good bite baby!"  Howard squints and shoots Bernadette a funny kitschy look.   "Oh How's your salad?"

"The salad goes well with my sandwich too." 

"You know I heard the Matzo Ball Soup here is excellent and a must have.  I'm glad I ordered it with my BLT since that sandwich was small!"

"If you say something is small, then it must be really small!" 

"Yeah really.  That sandwich was quite the tasty delight though.  Crispy, peppery, almost burnt bacon just combining perfectly with the tomato slices and lettuce.  Ironically on toasted Jewish Rye.  It tasted so fresh." 

  
Howard takes a bite of a massive matzo ball in the chicken broth soup.  Howard seemed so happy in that moment it could have been argued he was never happier.

"Mmmm.  Better than mom's Matzos and that really is saying something!  Her secret ingredient is lard.  Unfortunately.  Anyway this matzo is so succulent.  So much taste inside that big ball!  I'll probably have to go overseas for a better Matzo!"

  
"Hey!  The Middle East!  That's a great idea!" said Bernadette, though she did not elaborate.

"Going to the middle east?  Bernadette, that is a cool yet completely crazy idea!  Where exactly?"

"I'm not talking about us traveling."

"Me?  Where would I go?  I can't even go to Israel!  I'm sure as heck not going halfway around the world to go into space again with those Russian assholes!  Also fuck Massimino he's no better!  So why travel?  Nyet, no, absolutely!" 

"Well, I would like to travel, but not there.  Not now.  I'm in no mood to leave the country."

"Neither am I.  Quitting NASA was probably the best thing I ever did.  I belong at Caltech, at the propulsion lab.  Not trapped in space with immature pranking douchebags who call me fruit loops!" 

"Yes, that was all terrible, and you do belong here, with me.  You're the best man to go into space Howard Wolowitz.  That's why I married you."

"Aww thanks.  That means alot coming from you." 

"Anyway my idea is that only your mother goes to Israel.  I want just us to be together if things go bad.  Your mother can't be in the middle.  She can't come between us."

"I know.  I've had to put up with her all my life.  It's taken a toll.  Were it not for my schooling, my career, my friends, and You, I'd be in a really bad place." 

"What kind of place?"

"Hell.  The lowest depths of despair so hard to imagine it's virtually impossible.  Besides during the whole zombie fighting she is a huge liability.  I can't take care of her.  Even if I could I don't want to.  I love my mother, don't get me wrong, it's just... hard.  It's too much.  She's just a bad mother."

The two eat their food.  Howard savors the liquid soup and the matzos, while Bernadette finishes the sandwich and salad.

"Well can you take care of me Howie?"

"Of course Bernie!"

"Well that's reassuring.  Wait will Mrs. Wolowitz actually go or will she be too set on staying put?"

"She's been itching to travel, fortunately.  She's also a great Jew.  She keeps kosher and like many in my family she is very observant.  My mother would like to see the promised land again before she passes away."  

"Great.  It will be hard to give her the idea without looking like you're trying to get rid of her."

"Exactly.  Any thoughts?"

"Sigh... well.. maybe say you want to go, but you can't, because of me, work, your friends..."

"Ok good good this is sounding promising.  About the promised land.  Haha." 

"Throw in something about wanting to be a better Jew."

"Nah that might not work.  She might insist on me going with her then.  Also she might refuse to leave if I don't go." 

"Oh ok.  Wait what if she leaves but possibly comes back later, especially if Zombies don't overrun the country?"

"Not to worry.  Assuming she leaves soon enough, virtually every country will lock down air travel in some way.  Basically it looks like the trip will be one way."

"What if she won't budge?  She gets worse towards you?"

"It's ok.  Even if she doesn't leave I'll think of something.  I've done nothing wrong, nothing to feel guilty about relating to my mother.  I will NOT be cajouled into being trapped in the house with that fat blubbery whale of a woman!" 

"Oh Howard!  You sound so determined and resolute.  That's good for me and for everyone.  Also your friend Raj will be thrilled to hear the news."

"Raj will be so overjoyed!  He might thank Krishna for driving away the big she devil!" 

Howard and Bernadette share very inappropriate laughs, at Mrs. Wolowitz's expense.

"Oh Bernadette, when did we become such terrible people?"

"Ah I don't know Howie, a while ago?  Hehehe.."

"Wait we're only terrible to.. my mom!  Hah!  My mom, the bane of my existence." 

"What!  Howard, that's such a tasteless, unfunny joke."

"Huh?  I thought it was a little funny."

"It's not funny!  It's from that stupid show you watch sometimes!  Regular Show!  Regular Show sucks!"

"It does not!"

"Does too!"

"You like watching all that other crap on CBS!  Cartoon Network is much better by comparison!  Any show located in New York and not called Seinfeld totally blows.  Seeing people drink in bars on tv makes me sick.  Finally, a nauseating tv show about fat people; give me a break!"

"Many shows I like are vastly underrated."

"I almost never get to see new episodes of Regular Show because of you!  I have to go On Demand or elsewhere!  The only way I can avoid this is spending time at Koothrappalis or something."

"I like to watch some tv after work!  Some of us have to make the bacon, not just eat it!  You make peanuts!  Too bad you're also allergic to them."  Bernadette said assertively.

"Listen to us we're kvetching and bickering like an old Jewish couple!  Granted I'm a bad jew for eating bacon."

"I'm still Catholic!" 

"Both of us shit on our religions and you know it!"

"The real point is we're going to be spending a whole lot more time together, and I think it's better for us if everything goes my way from now on, ok honey?"

"Ok sweetie whatever you want."  Howard said, resigned.  "Of course..."

"What?"

"Of course I could 'separate' from you temporarily, leaving you alone with the zombies!  hahahaa."

"Oh no!  Not zombies!" 

"Scared yet, Bernie?"

"Yes." 

There was a pause.  Who could guess what Howard would say, with that smirk on his face.

"You know this spat, this bickering is all much ado about nothing.  Even money is useless once the system breaks down to bartering.  Money cannot in and of itself keep you from being bitten by a zombie.  So who cares if I only make peanuts?  We still need each other."

  
"You worry too much."

"I do?"

"Yes!  We like each other because we respectively hate our own mothers!" 

"Yeah well..."

"My mother smoked and stunted my growth that way!"

"On the bright side my mom still does my laundry..."

"Speaking of clothes she still picks out most everything I wear!  I'm a grown woman!  It's humilating!"

"You look great!  Your clothes help make you, you.. if you know what I mean.  They tend to be conservative, classy, casually elegant.."

"Aw.  Casually elegant?"

"Dang straight sugartits!" 

"Only you can call me sugartits and make me feel like that is supposed to be super romantic!  Come here you!"

"Oh Bernie!"  The Wolowitzs share a small kiss.

Howard sees their waiter and motions to him.  "Check please!" said Howard. 

The waiter comes with the check.  He has a slightly Russian accent.  "Will you be taking check, sir, or will it be sugartits over here?"

"I will be, thank you."

"Excuse me, what did you say?" said a disturbed Bernadette.

"I repeat word.  Is there problem?"  The old, tall, fat waiter has a very Jewish appearance.  His nose is very long and crooked- among the most crooked in existence.

"You can't say that!  For you to say sugartits is sexist and degrading!  He can say that because he's my imbecile husband!  It's sort of a joke.  Just one between us!"

"I live in Russia for decades.  I come from Urals."

Howard chimed in,  "Look, do you know English buddy?  Do you know what you said?  Because.."

Bernadette was furious.  "But nothing!  You came from Uranus buddy!  Let us take the check and you can leave now."

She points.  "As for you.."

Howard managed to say just long enough, "Oh boy here it comes.."

 **"YOU DON'T SAY SUGARTITS IN PUBLIC!"** Bernadette slams the lower part of her fist into the table as hard as possible.  **"DAMNIT!"**

Howard tried to smile without breaking into manic laughter.  "Well, ok, honey."

"Just be quiet.  Pay the bill.  I have to use the ladies room." 

Howard looked around and was horrified.  Some people may have been intently looking at and listening in on them, even when they were bickering about tv. 

"Aye what a day.. great food though!"  Howard made a mental note to have brisket with his mother without Bernadette's presence.

"I might have to sneak away for eating a matzo solo.. mmmmm matzo.  gahhh.... Oh wonderful I sound like Homer Simpson."

The waiter comes back.  "You sound like a dumb man.  Newly married, saying sugartits like it doesn't mean anything..."

"Yeah, and you're waiter of the year!  And for your information: I have a master's degree, and that whole situation was your fault!  You're speaking perfect English right now!"

"Ehhh come on forget it!  It's my schtick!  I don't have much without it."

"Yeah, so?  Why should I care?  I could go complain if I was so motivated."

"I had a sugartits once.  Broke my heart when she left me." 

"Gee I'm shocked." 

"I thought I could spot the uptights.  They tend to be older Jews who don't order BLT's and ham sandwiches."

"Ok, look, before I get really rude, just give me one good reason why I shouldn't make your nose any more crooked.  You know, with my fists." 

"Wolowitz!  Don't talk to me like that!"  He said in a stacatto fashion.  The old jew pointed his main right finger up without moving his arm.

"What kind of a man snaps my last name like that!?  Oh Lord!"  It suddenly hit him, possibly, painfully.  "Father?"

"No way boobola!  I'm not anyones father.  Never have been, never will be.  I never wanted to parent.  A good waste of time if you ask me."

"My mother always calls me boobola!  Shesh.  Also that's just what my father might say.  The last part."

"I don't care about your issues.  Anyway I've seen your mom at temple.  Sugartits with a capital S if I may say so.  Sure shes heavy, but look at me!" 

"You are a fat man." 

"It didn't hurt that I slightly eavesdropped while serving all the other tables."  The waiter motioned to the other tables around them.

"I didn't just whip out my Visa card.  How did you know I was a Wolowitz?"  Howard pays the bill with cash.

"Your eyes and your jawline give you away.  Your mother has very prominent features."

"Hey I'd love for you to ignore your tables but I'm not one for chitchat.  You can have my mother, but her gluteus maximus has to get to the Holy Land and she has to stay there!"

"Mazel Tov!  Again I'm sorry for embarassing you."  He whispered into Howard's ear: "You call the wrong women cunts and the manager would fire me right away, probably."

"Thanks.  Isn't that the truth huh?"

Bernadette is walking back from the women's restroom.  "Oh no here she comes.. get back and act natural." whispered Howard in a low voice.

"Hey Waiter you want a tip?  Get it from my mother!!!!"  Howard gives the waiter the finger as he stands up to walk toward his wife.  

"I'm ready to go!"  

The Wolowitzes leave the deli.  

"You know Bernie I did a really good thing in there." 

"I saw."

"No, no.  I mean my mother Is going to Israel.  No matter what.  Let's just say also that annoying waiter should be going with her as well!"

"Oh Howie you're a genius!" 

Bernadette grabs her man and passionately kisses him for a good minute or so. 

"We can eat there again, you know, when fat man leaves with my mother."

"Sounds yummy."

"Try the Matzo Ball soup!  It is incredible!"

"I'll text it to Amy and Penny!"

"Good idea!  I'll text the guys back about that place."

* * *

Raj is driving his friends Sheldon, Leonard, and Penny to Koreatown for Korean food.  Penny is texting Amy.  Amy is pleasuring herself with Gerard, her favorite electric toothbrush. 

" _You kept gerard a secret from Sheldon for all these years!?  lol!"_

 _"_ _ Yeah I know lmao-  The affair continues."  
_

_ "in car almost to koreatown.  affair rofl"  
_

_  
_Leonard is in front talking to Raj.  "Thanks for calming down and driving us to Koreatown.  We appreciate it."

"No problem.  In any event, it's better than going all the way to LAX to pick up my sister."

"Wait, you're supposed to pick up Priya?"

"Relax.  She can take a taxi.  My parents never said what time she would be landing anyway.  So who cares?"

Penny interjected, "Raj, you made the right call.  She's fine taking a taxi.  She's rich right?"

"Yes."

"Yeah she's fine." 

Sheldon speaks up.  "So which restaurant are we going to exactly?  I don't want non-standard cutlery from some gooky gooks straight from the bad parts of the Korean peninsula." 

Penny replies, "Sheldon that's racist.  You can't call asians gooks, chinks, or slanteyes.  Besides North Koreans aren't allowed in the US.  Except in Leonard's bedroom."

Everyone except Leonard laughs at that. 

"Joyce Kim was some asian slutty who wanted it!  How was I supposed to know she was a spy?"

"Anyway, Sheldon, this restaurant is the best one in Koreatown!  It's Zagat rated, it's been on tv, and best of all my agent took me here to eat and the bibi was fantastic!  Amazing!" 

"Wait, Penny, the what?" 

Leonard tried to say, "Do you mean bibimbap?"

"Yeah that."

"Did you like it?"

"It was one of the best things I've ever had!  It's beef, egg, rice, and asian vegetables together in a stone hotpot!"

Everyone wanted to have some of this bibimbap.

Leonard said,  "I had bibimbap before, but not in a long time.  The last time was actually before I moved in with Sheldon.  I remember those heady days.  I was flirting with all these asian girls and taking the bus to Chinatown and Koreatown on the weekends."

Sheldon had to say, "No you weren't, Leonard."

"Well I didn't tell you any of that did I, Sheldon?"

"No, I suppose not.  Did you find the North Korean in Koreatown?"

Raj and Penny snicker at Sheldon's well timed joke.

"All right, all right, Joyce Kim is ancient history.  No need to laugh about her now." 

"Ok Leonard.  I never tried this bibimbap before but Dr. Gerakos thinks me trying new food and new restaurants is good for me."

"Well that's good to know."

Raj intoned from the drivers seat.  "Well we're almost there.  I'd like to listen to some of the satellite radio.  But I'm not sure what music we can all listen to."

"Whatever, Raj."

"Ok.  The news it is."

"Awwww."  "No."  "Raj, you are so lame!"

"Hey I want to be informed!"  

* * *

 

THIS IS THE OFFICIAL ZOMBIE DIGEST ON SIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO, STRAIGHT FROM SEATTLE, WASHINGTON! 

AUTHENTIC NEWS ALL THE TIME!  CONFIRMED SOURCES!  JUST IN TIME FOR OUR BIG UPDATE!

BAD GOES TO WORSE:  AFTER THE RECENT BREAKING NEWS OF CROSS ANIMAL/HUMAN ZOMBIE INFECTION OF CANINES, RATS, AND SOME BIRD SPECIES, THE VIRUS HAS SPREAD

AS FAR SOUTHWEST AS ZIMBABWE, AND AS NORTHWEST AS CROATIA.  DESERT COUNTRIES, MIDDLE EAST COUNTRIES HAVE LARGELY STOOD THEIR GROUND WITH ZOMBIE

SPREAD STALLED.  UNDEAD PRESENCE IS VERY SMALL AND PESTILENCE IS RELATIVELY LIMITED IN THAT REGION.  THE UN HAS REPORTED IMMUNIZATIONS ARE LARGELY

INEFFECTIVE, ESPECIALLY RABIES SHOTS.  RESEARCH IS CONTINUING.  IN ASIA, MOST SOUTHEAST ASIAN COUNTRIES HAVE HAD INFECTIONS DESPITE BEST EFFORTS. 

SRI LANKA AND SMALLER ISLAND COUNTRIES HAVE BEEN SPARED SO FAR.  PHILIPPINES HAS OUTBREAKS IN THE SOUTH.  VERY FEW REPORTS OF INFECTION IN INDONESIA. 

AUSTRALIA HAS RURAL PROBLEMS.  DARWIN, AUSTRALIA IS THE MOST AFFECTED BY NEWLY INFECTED ZOMBIES BY PESTILENCE.  OVER 100 AUSTRALIAN POLICE WERE SHOT

WHILE ON FOOT, BIKE, AND CAR PATROLS.  SOME STATIONARY CHECKPOINTS WERE ALSO AFFECTED.  RUMORS OF A RADICAL ANARCHIST, PRO-ZOMBIE MILITIA ABOUND. 

MEMBERS MAY BE LOCATED WORLDWIDE.  REMEMBER THE UNDEAD CANNOT USE FIREARMS.  THE AUSTRALIAN POLICE WERE LIKELY TARGETED BY THESE TYPES OF MILITIA. 

NEW ZEALAND HAS SET UP AN EXCLUSION ZONE AROUND THEIR ISLANDS.  ONLY SPECIALIZED MILITARY BOATS ARE ALLOWED TO REACH THE NEW ZEALAND ISLANDS. 

PLANES ARE PROHIBITED OVER NZ AIRSPACE DUE TO UNSPECIFIED REASONS AS WELL AS FOR SIMPLER LOGISTICS. 

VIRTUALLY ALL COUNTRIES WITH INFECTION HAVE DECLARED A STATE OF EMERGENCY OR MARTIAL LAW. 

DISCUSSION SEGMENT COMING UP ABOUT THE AMERICAS AND EUROPE.  MORE NEWS ABOUT INDIA:  ********************************

 

* * *

 

The others shouted vociferously for Raj to turn off the radio.  They had reached Koreatown anyways.  Everyone got out of the parked car and walked a few steps to the front door.

Raj said, "Well, it seems to be really serious now.  Eww rats, I hate those."

Leonard seemed to agree. "Look let's just go in and enjoy our meal alright?"

Sheldon opined, "We better not be eating rats!"

Leonard makes a point.  "That's not funny, Sheldon.  I thought you were in therapy, remember?"  Penny motioned with her arm.

Sheldon smiled a scary looking toothless grin.

Penny looked at it.  "Oh Sheldon that looks so wrong.  Don't do that." 

"I'm tired of everyone nitpicking at me!  Just leave me be!  Besides if anyone can help out with this deal, it's me!  My intelligence and exalted greatness can get us out of this!"

Raj says, "Well I like Sheldon's attitude.  He hasn't been overly critical like you guys or moody like I've been.  I like how he's been dealing." 

"You guys all went to the North Pole with him!  What gives?"

Leonard recounts, "Penny, We were in a building with Sheldon.  It felt like being stuck in a meat locker, or just going to Minnesota.  The novelty wore off."

"You mediocre minds ruined the research!  For shame I say!"

Raj exclaimed again, "Let's hurry in!  I'm hungry!  I want my food so badly!"

Sheldon motioned everyone, "Well you heard Raj.  Let's go!  In in in!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long enough right? Chapter 4 might be a simple continuation or it might be a surprise. Or both. 
> 
> Of course Howard would dump his mother on some annoying waiter with a huge schnoz. I mean who wouldn't right? Hehe.


	4. What are We Going to Do?

The group has a cushy circular corner table, with Sheldon in his typical leftward spot next to Leonard.  Raj sits inbetween Penny and Leonard.  The restaurant is dim, danky, and moody, full of obsidian mixed with grey granite.  The dark stone is punctuated by green jade, red fabric above, and several funnel shaped lamps facing down.  Some, like Leonard, try Kimchi for the first time and enjoy it.  Others, like Penny, have Kimchi after a long time and become reacquainted with a staple food of Korean culture.

Sheldon used his chopsticks to eat the sliced beef, rice, and vegetables in his hotpot. 

  
"Oh this is exquisite, Penny!  Superb choice!"

"Thanks Sheldon!"

"Also this beer is quite refreshing."

"Yes it is.  Tsingtao is pretty good.  We all have our beer, except our good driver here."  Penny nods to Raj.

"Although I wish I could see better in here.  The candles don't help much."

"Yeah, well, sorry Sheldon.  This _is_ the best place to eat in Koreatown, like it or not."

Leonard chimed in, "We all seem to be enjoying our food!"

Everyone grunted in agreement.

Raj looked at Penny.  He takes a drink of his raspberry ice tea.  "So.. yes I know it's weird I can talk while I'm around you."

"Uh huh." 

"Anyway, what are we going to do?" 

Sheldon answered back, "Do about what?  Dessert?  I'm getting a bulging feeling in my stomach as we speak!"

Leonard snickered then laughed loudly.  He points at Sheldon.  "Ha!  You said bulge!"

"I mean I'm full, Leonard."

"Right."

Raj whispers to Leonard.  Raj appears pleased at the humor around the world bulge.

Raj reinterated to everyone, "I mean what are we all going to do?  Really!  We don't have a plan."

Penny says, "Raj is right we have to plan." 

Sheldon twitches.  "I've been giving this a great deal of intense thought, and there is no choice.  I, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, have to lead us to glory!"

Leonard is skeptical.  "Why should we trust you?  You would be a tyrant!"

"Not so not so!  I can assure everyone at the table I believe in the presidential system!  Though keeping people in line is sometimes necessary." 

"We don't need anymore arrogant imperial presidents with their nose in the air, _Doctor_ Cooper!"

"Well, good sir, as a Texan, defending the Alamo is in my blood!  So too will be defending all of you!"   

"Said the man whose never thrown a punch!" 

Sheldon motions to Leonard.  "Don't tempt me shorty."

Leonard looks down and grimaces.  "Ok, I regret saying that."

Penny cuts in.  "Does it occur to anyone that _I_ would be a good leader?  Besides, we have to contend with the rest of the people in the building!" 

"She's right." 

Raj opines, "You know my sister could prove to be too much for me; we should stay together anyways.  I can ditch her for your building."

"That does make sense, Raj.  Also I don't like your sister anymore.. no offense."

"None taken.  Actually, I'm overjoyed!"

Sheldon speaks, "Alas, I know the hardship of dwelling with a sibling.  Missy was a terror.  Anyways, you're welcome to reside with us, though Penny might be more to your liking." 

Penny snaps back.  "No offense, but only the girls can stay with me.  Effete metrosexuals just don't cut it."

Raj stammers, "But.. but but what about all the wine drinking and giggling and painting our nails?  Also Beyonce is so much better around the ladies." 

Sheldon frowns.  Leonard blurts out, "Oh for god sakes Raj!  Beyonce?  Really?" 

Sheldon has an epiphany and whispers, "Hush you fool!  If he's with Penny he won't sleep in my spot!" 

The lady makes it clear.  "Guys, I'm not changing my mind.  No boys allowed!"

"Oh drat!"

Raj speaks.  "It's ok.  I don't want to lose Penny like I lost Lucy.  Since Lucy left me, my mutism has been cured, and I enjoy being able to talk around Penny without alcohol!" 

"Aw Raj." 

"Hey, you don't have to change your mind.  I wouldn't mind spending time with my bros anyways."

Sheldon nods.  Leonard says, "We appreciate that."

Raj continues, "So we can pick this up later at your apartment, Leonard?"

"That sounds like a good idea.  Maybe this place is too distracting.  Great food though, real tasty."

Sheldon chimes in, "Also too dim."  Penny rolls her eyes.

The group continues talking after Penny changes the subject and eventually Sheldon interrupts by making an announcement. 

"I would like to make a toast for tonight, for our gathering, for being here to overcome tomorrow.  To togetherness."

"Togetherness!" 

"No wait I take that back!  I don't like that word!  I'm not some free love hippie!"

Raj says, "Ah come on dude just forget it!  Togetherness is so important you have no idea."

There is a pause.

"Alright Raj, anyways I'm also glad Penny talked me into getting a beer."

"Here here!"

  
Eventually, the group gets around to discussing the building's other residents, such as Mrs. Vartabedian.  Other, newer residents are discussed and what is known about them.  The first floor residents are among the newest.  They are all single guys, with one likely living alone in 1B and the others sharing 1A.  Nobody knows much about them besides anything that can be gleaned from misdirected mail.  Sheldon dislikes handling incorrect mail so it falls to Leonard to investigate the proper destination for parcels.  The lone exception being Sheldon's taping of a wrongly delivered envelope meant for Alicia on 5A; the residence of Penny's mean golddigging rival.  Leonard had every reason in the world to avoid Alicia.  Penny wondered why the fifth floor had been 'so quiet'.  Sheldon replied, implying that he "might" have sent her a mysterious threatening envelope.  Subsequently, Sheldon confirmed that he anonymously reported to the police about possible prostitution going on in 5A.  Sheldon's friends are in awe due to his cleverness.  Penny gains additional appreciation for her super intelligent friend.

* * *

 

Howard and Bernadette conclude an especially intense session of coitus. 

"Oh Bernie!  Ah!  Ahh!!"  They moan and Bernadette collapses from her upright position.  The married couple stay close in bed.

"Who knew thinking about possibly getting rid of your mother would get me so hot, Howie?" 

"She's going away, my sweet.  I promise." 

"Aww."  Bernadette catches her breath.  "Honey, I'm thirsty; get me something to drink?"

"Got it.  I'll be right back!" 

"Wine would be nice."

"Coming right up!" 

* * *

Having no desire to literally pluck her harp, Amy has spent most of the day in one way or another with Gerard, her electric toothbrush. 

"Oh man."  Amy said.  "I've been spending way too much time with Gerard.  It feels so good and yet I'm so empty.  Gee.  Maybe this is that 'desperate gnawing' feeling Penny must frequently acquire." 

Amy takes the toothbrush's round head off and tosses it in the rubbish bin. 

"Out with the old and in with the new.  Hehe.  If only dealing with Sheldon were this simple.  Then again if Gerard were more real and lively I would've dumped Sheldon way back when." 

Yes.  This is absurdly ridiculous.  It used to feel so right, her and Gerard, but not anymore.  Amy thought long and hard.  Even if she were in the arms of another man, like Arman the miniature horse breeder, it would be Sheldon's fault due to him driving her away.  She had put up with so much, and at times it seemed nothing was ever enough for Sheldon.  Then again Dr. Cooper wasn't a walking black hole of despair like Leonard.  Mary Cooper was nutty but that hardly explained anything.  Sheldon's mother was nothing compared to Dr. Beverly Hofstadter, who proved with each psychology book that she published that she earned her place as the core of Leonard's despair.  Amy stopped thinking about Leonard's possible influence on Sheldon, since that train of thought was going nowhere.  Sheldon's behaviors and idiosyncracies come from Sheldon and Sheldon alone.  Then Amy remembered when she first told Sheldon that coitus was off the table.  He then opened up to her after buying her a drink at that coffeeshop.  Even if asexuality brought them together, it would now rip them apart because of Amy's desires.  Sheldon probably wasn't going to change much; maybe it wasn't so much physical intimacy as Sheldon being willing to do things to make up for being at times a selfish, unsociable dork.  Would Sheldon lose an integral part of himself if he were to become more like Gerard?  That was a decent question with some uncomfortable conclusions.  Amy's thoughts drifted and her memories were hazy, due to lacking Sheldon's eidetic memory.

Amy looked around at her kitchen and in the cupboards.  She had almost nothing to eat in her apartment.  Stocking up on canned items and anything else she can get her hands on would be a smart thing to do.  Going to the store alone is a great change of pace compared with having Sheldon tag along.  Now was the time for action.

"Time to go to the store." 

* * *

The group in Koreatown was beginning to wrap things up in the restaurant.  Everyone except for Sheldon was looking in their smartphones, happy to linger and sit back in the tall seating.  Sheldon was drinking much needed water. 

"I have to urinate.  Excuse me.  Wait Penny do you know which way to the restrooms?"

"Yeah from here keep walking straight then left.  Keep going left it's on the left you can't miss it."

"Thanks."  Sheldon leaves.

Leonard broke the brief silence.  "Hey I found something.  I was searching up that deli Howard went to today.  I might have come across an interesting video- and recently uploaded." 

"Oh what is it?"  Penny said back. 

"I'm not quite sure.  Outbursts, yelling.  That tends to be funny."

"Yeah".

 The three watch the video on Leonard's phone.  Leonard thinks he sees Howard and Penny thinks she sees Bernadette.

 Raj can't help but say, "I can't really see or hear.  Some fat guy's in the way." 

"I'm turning up the volume."

**You came from Uranus buddy!**

**  
**Penny smiles.  The group instantly recognizes Bernadette.  They are all astonished and wonder what the hell happened in the deli.

Leonard says, "Yep, shes going to yell at Howard now".

**You don't say sugartits in public, damnit!**

**  
**The video ends.  They laugh.

"Poor Howard."

"Who cares about Howard, Raj?  This is hysterical!"

Penny goes on to immediately mock Bernadette.  Penny goes for a high pitched voice while holding her nose.  "You don't say sugartits in public Howard!  just wait until we get home.  What in the hell were you thinking dumbass!?  You don't talk about my tits that way!  Only wild women like Penny coat their tits in sugar."

Laughter resumes.  Eventually, due to Sheldon's absence, it is debated whether or not to show him the video.  They eventually conclude they might as well.  Sheldon shares their desire to needle Howard and Bernadette now and then, but usually Howard. 

* * *

"Howard!"  Bernadette shrieks. 

Howard drinks his glass of red wine.  He thinks, "Oh this can't be good.  My spidy senses are a tingling." 

"What is it?" he says back, inquiringly.

"Just get in here!" 

"Oh wait let me guess one of our 'friends' called or texted?"

"No!  I mean Yes!  Of course it's not good!  One of those asshole customers sitting by us filmed my rant today!" 

"Oh Bernie I'm so so so sorry.  That deli stinks and we won't go there again."

"You better be." 

"You must feel really humiliated."

"I am." 

"So this might be an offbeat thing to ask but can we have some _wild angry sex_ now?  Or what?"

"No!"  Bernadette moves in on Howard.  "You'll know when I'm _done_ yelling at you!"

Howard is silent while he thinks "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh crap.  We should have gone out for Mexican food instead." 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do apologize for the delay especially compared with the release time of the last chapter. Much of it couldn't be helped. 
> 
> I sincerely hope this chapter is enjoyable. Chapter 5 should be shorter and more concise, while featuring action and less dialogue. Yes! Finally..


	5. Dirty Action Ambush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Action! Finally! I know. I truly thank everyone for reading and hopefully enjoying the story.
> 
> David and Stuart are back!
> 
> p.s. I'm not trying to hype the chapter with the name. the chapter title is by far much better than the previous one.

Stuart's friend David looked at him with a puzzled expression.

"What does any of this have to do with Zombies?" David bluntly said.

"Ok David hold on man. Thank you for bearing with me. I know elaborating on many of these prior details seems puzzling, but Amy, Leonard, and others have confided in me. I'll be grateful to them all, but especially the women who want to talk to me.  Really.  Don't forget that this actually happened.  I didn't ask them for information; it all just came out so I would know.  Is any of this a little too extraneous?"

"Perhaps- it depends."

"Depends on what exactly?"

"I like hearing saucy details of people having sex, but even now I don't know how much of that I can fit into this little interview.  Maybe as we go on we hear more about you."

"I don't really want this interview to be about me. I know we're friends, but I'm not the most comfortable with this sort of thing. I've had to use the comic book store as a residence for very long periods of time."

"So you are embarassed?"

"A little.  If I went on and on about me, you would hear really dull tales about selling comic books and accessories followed by the eventual approximate hour by hour squirming in my hiding place." 

"I see."

"Hey.  You know you could write bio columns about the Doctors, about everybody.  People would want to know more about them." 

"Great idea Stuart!  I'll see what I can do."

"Ok.  It seems settled then.  Are we going to take a break?"

"Sure."

* * *

Things were not looking good.  The mob of undead were inching forward, with no room between them- much tighter than a football scrimmage line.  A tall white man with short brown hair was alone emptying his bladder into a urinal.  He was unaware of the fate that would befall him.  Sheldon was disrupted by noise that entered his ears.

 **"WAHHHOOOOOUUUYEAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"** Sheldon said in response.

Sheldon did not like the restroom any more than the dimly lit restaurant.  At least nobody was using any of the urinals.  Sheldon used the urinal on the right, which is his usual.  He had a short nightmare about being surrounded by zombies.  It was fortunate for Sheldon that his space out time had been interrupted.  He took a quick glance back and saw that it was a very human pest.

"Are you done using that urinal?" said the unknown voice.  Sheldon couldn't quite place the face.  If it was someone familiar, the appearance had changed too greatly.

Sheldon responded, "There are other places to go."

"If you aren't using it, then move!"

"I'm not quite finished."

"Can you hurry?  I only like that urinal."

Sheldon looked down.  He didn't like the big splatter he gave himself.  "Good gravy fella I'm here!  I'm not moving till I'm ready!  Just use the enclosed facility to my right."

He heard a shrug.  "Fine."  The short stranger walks into the stall, closes it, and sits down.  "You know..."

"You should stop talking to me."

"I don't hear you using the urinal."

"You know there's definitely something in the informal man code about how strangers should not unnecessarily talk in the men's room."

"Then be quiet." 

Sheldon rushed over to use the sink, and began to use the warm water and liquid soap.  The soap posessed a pleasing apple aroma.  He muttered, "Damnit how did that oriental midget work me like that?"  Sheldon dried his hands.  There were paper towels and he furiously tried to dry his pants off.  The paper towels ran out.  There was only one way to get rid of the soaked in urine; to use the dirty hot air blower to dry the pants.  Sheldon had a tough time of it positioning the front of his pants right under the blower.  He wondered when this ordeal would end.  This thrusting, this neurotic dancing was doing nothing to ameliorate the urination situation.  It definitely did not feel right.  There was a flush and Sheldon did not stop drying his pants at an opportune time, instead waiting for a more embarassing time.

"Don't you look ridiculous as always Dr. Cooper!" 

Sheldon glanced back.  "Avert your eyes you tiny weirdo!  Don't gaze upon me taking in this dirty hot air!  Who the hell are you supposed to be, Dr. Woo's son?"

"Good guess but no.  It's me, Dennis Kim.  I'm not a Woo.  I'm _Korean_.  I know you think we're all the same."

Sheldon was mad and sufficiently irked about being bothered and looked over.  Somehow, Dennis Kim came back into his life and disturbed him in the restroom.  He was not happy that Dennis had returned, even briefly. 

"I have nothing to say to you, Dennis Kim, except _drop over_!"  Sheldon stormed out.

* * *

 

 Amy knew her way around the grocery store.  She usually went to the same one, since there was only one that was the closest to her Glendale apartment.  It was quite crowded and that was troubling.  She was reassured by the police car that was out front, along with employees who looked like they were providing security.  The cart was stacked with canned goods and other items, including some of Sheldon's favorites like Strawberry Quik and ingredients for spaghetti in tomato sauce with sliced hotdogs.  Soon Amy went into "the zone" by beginning to formulate a plan to physically seduce Sheldon using Strawberry Quik- especially since the experimental date night dinner was too tame.  She walked thru the aisle and almost rammed her cart into the cashier area. 

"Whoa.  Holy moly that was close.. turn turn turn."  She moved into the next aisle over and quietly told herself, "Get it together Amy, get.. it.. together".  Amy looks at the aisle she is in.

"Ah damnit I'm in the cookie aisle again."  Amy isn't her usual at the moment.  The store is busy, and the creeping suspicion that someone is following her is not making things better.  She walks to the left at the other end of the store.

"The pet food aisle.  I'll see what the deal is with this potential stalker, since whoever it is he doesn't look familiar," a voice says in Amy's head.  She turns into the pet food aisle and feigns interest in a big bag of dry dog food.  Soon, out of the corner of her eye Amy sees what looks like the follower, and she turns toward him.

"Aha!" says Amy, with a slight grin.  The mystery man is really close now and also pretending to be looking at bags of dog food, though he betrayed a deer in the headlights look for a second. 

Amy talks.  "What the hell are you doing?  Stop following me!"

"Huh?  What?  I'm not following you.  I'm clearly getting dog food, as you can see." 

"Really?  What breed is your dog?"

"Terrier."

"What kind of terrier?"

"Scotty."

"What color scheme?"

"Brown."

"Ah, the quintessential brown Scottish Terrier, which eats dog food advertised for much larger breeds like St. Bernards or Huskys.  You know, the bags you're looking at." 

"Well I don't always buy the same dog food.."

"Cut the crap.  I know you were following me.  Just stay away from me before I mace you, ok?"

He shrugs, but doesn't seem less determined.  "Ah I shouldn't have tried to fool you.  You're too smart for that."

"Did you participate in a clinical trial?"

"Um, No?  Unless I completely forgot you, which isn't likely."  There was a pause and Amy was just about to walk away.

"You are Amy Fowler, aren't you?  You've barely changed!  It's me, Casey, from Glendale High!"  Casey made a joyous facial expression to go along with his wavy light brown hair and green eyes.

Amy wore a pained expression.  "Great.  A reunion I totally don't want, and at a very bad time.  What are you doing stalking me?"  Amy says, exasparated.  The name didn't ring a bell.

"Hey now I'm not stalking you, at least.. not like that." 

"Sure.  I believe you.  Really."  Amy rolled her eyes.  "It doesn't matter.  This is weird even for me.  I have presumed I would never have a reunion with anyone from high school, and if I did it would be unpleasant.  Plus, you could've said hi like a normal person."

"How do I say hi to the girl who used to like eating with the janitor?" 

Amy cringed at that ghastly statement.  "How the.. that is one of _the_ creepiest things anyone has ever told me, ever!  I'm _**not**_ having this conversation with you!  I'm _leaving_!"  But the body did not act on those words, and she looked at the flat abs and the muscular arms on the man close by her.

Amy finally starts to move her feet.  He said back,  "Hey let's keep talking.  Amy!  I'm really really sorry."  Amy bit her lip and her body shook.  She appeared to be deep in thought.

Amy says nothing until he catches up.  "Go away." 

Right after having heard that, Casey shows his military ID and Amy reluctatly looks at it.  Amy, having started to make small talk with the Army Sergeant, will only continue to oblige the man in exchanging pleasantries under several conditions.  Namely, no creepiness, touching, or anything having to do with coitus.  He agrees.  Amy starts talking about her time at Harvard, and Casey replied about his exploits up to and including enlistment.  Later on the conversation seems to make Amy sigh and smile.  He responds to the obvious changes and talks more smoothly and naturally.  Casey tells a slightly gory war story and Amy responds with tales about organ dissection and trips to the local morgues.  Amy finds the perfect opening to talk about her new research at Caltech and her longtime boyfriend "Gerard", who is extremely posessive and definitely the "jealous" type.  According to Amy, "Gerard" relishes riding his miniature horse, Arman, and fantasizes about using the horse to "drive away disgusting lessers who wantonly gaze on his woman."  Casey frowns and Amy begins to say positve and true things about her current relationship.  Casey finally gets the message, though he asks Amy if she knows of any friends who are single.  Amy basically said no.  Amy ignored her off-putting thoughts and happily stared up and down at the muscular body before moving on.  She finally parts ways with the previously unknown high school acquaintence.

* * *

Sheldon, Penny, Raj, and Leonard finally left the restaurant.  Leonard and Raj were laughing at Sheldon being ambushed by Dennis Kim in the men's room.  Penny was much more understanding and sympathetic towards Sheldon, since she understood unusual situations.  Penny also possessed a natural loathing towards most people Sheldon had antagonsitic relationships with anyway.  Everybody went inside Raj's car and Penny was happy to converse about all the recent events taking place in their social group.  Leonard reminded everyone of the supposed good deed he did by declining to go on that Stephen Hawking boat expedition to the North Sea.  Leonard recently received an email from the young Caltech student who had taken his place, profusely thanking him for the opportunity.

Before moving onto other topics, Penny bragged about winning Raj's scavenger hunt.  Sheldon remembered the physically laboring obstable course Penny made all the guys race through a while afterward.  Leonard mentioned reluctantly dropping out of the race due to his asthma.   It was hardly a surprise that Sheldon would want to remember the obstacle course; he narrowly beat Raj and Howard was a distant third.  Howard is the most agile and Raj is the most athletic, and yet Sheldon excelled in finding unconventional ways to overcome the obstacles.  Sheldon mimiced The Flash's speed as well, thus ensuring victory. 

Raj described everything he liked about Korean food.  Sheldon did admit he really enjoyed his entree, but he would never eat there again.  It was debated what Dennis Kim was doing there anyway.  The only rational and likely explanation was that he is now just old enough to work in the kitchen.  Dennis Kim was still smart, despite straying from physics.  He wouldn't want to live like a bum or a North Korean peasant, so naturally Dennis went where the home cooking was.  The guys just hoped to never see him again.

Rajesh had driven as fast as possible, especially when on the freeway. 

"Thanks again for treating us, Penny.  It was a splended dinner with great friends and enjoyable moments."  Everyone else quickly concurred, keeping the happy mood going despite the grim undead happenings occuring elsewhere.

Raj suggested, "Can we stop somewhere for a latte?  My treat if anyone wants something."

Penny responded,  "Thanks Raj, but I'm not in the mood.  I'd rather just get back and do whatever until I call it a night."

Leonard added, "I'm not in the mood for anything either.  I don't want to stop and order and wait to get back into this car.  I just want to return to my place." 

Raj said, "Ok.  I get it.  What about you, Sheldon.  Tea?"

Sheldon summed up everything. "Hmm I do like tea but I can just have tea back at my place.  I recently started drinking coffee actually; I know it's new spare me.  I wouldn't mind any form of coffee but I have to go to bed.  I might try a latte sometime, but it doesn't seem like something I'll enjoy.  Oh I also don't need decaf.  Raj, why didn't you order any coffee when we were eating?" 

Raj sighed, "I don't know Sheldon.  Ok?  Forget it.  Nevermind."

Penny changed the subject.  "Should I call Bernadette?  Some of us may have been a little harsh about seeing her on that video today."

Leonard replied, "Whatever.  Up to you.  I mean she's fine.  She yells and that's normal for her."

"On the one hand it's a nice thing to do and on the other hand.. meh I see your point.  Maybe they are in the middle of something anyways, like sex." 

Sheldon spoke again.  "Touche Penny.  Since your personal knowledge of coitus and Bernadette is such that you can venture a guess as to what she is doing.  Also that is what I love about Amy.  She doesn't bother me with banal chitchat or endless texts.  Unless something is very wrong my eyes must remain unglued to a screen." 

Raj interrupts, "And if she does something wrong you spank her!"  Leonard laughs.

"Excuse me!  That is not a topic for polite conversation.  I had to do something about her dishonesty and believe it or not the only thing we agreed upon was for me to give her a hard spanking!"

Penny says, "Whoa guys let's not go around 'saying stuff' about spanking.  Also back about the texting, Amy texts me.  Sometimes alot." 

"Well Amy has become quite close to you.  Maybe you should blame yourself for turning her into a gabby girdy." 

"Yes Sheldon, you're right.  I have made her a chatterbox.  But she seems happy- happier than before!"

"Like that will last."  Nobody shows any interest in saying anything after that.

* * *

Amy had patiently waited in the check out line.  At times, the store seemed like it could not get any more crowded.  She was wrong. 

Suddenly masses of people charged into the store, stampeding into the front of the cashier area and running into all the areas around Amy.  Everyone around her panicked.  Many shoppers quickly reacted by abandoning their carts and fleeing the store.  Other patrons helped one another and used full carts as offensive rams.  The store staff was useless and suddenly there were no cashiers.  Violent acts surrounded her. 

The security guard by the closest exit was quickly overwhelmed by multiple assailents.  The guard was brutally hit and kicked on all sides.  A fat man stepped toward that one sided melee and smashed the felled working man's head with a baseball bat. 

Amy moved her cart to put something between her and the madness.  She had her back to the chewing gums and snacks of the checkout section, crouching down.  Then she gets out her smartphone and looks up the browser's news.  Amy doesn't gain any insight into what is going on or why the last few minutes turned into this frenzied spectacle of human irrationality.   She gets out the mace and holds it in her left hand, ready to use.  Suspicious cargos found in LA port container boxes.  Her right thumb navigates the flat screen, searching for a reason.  Her smart phone doesn't give any more clues.  There was no more time and there were too many loud distractions.  She shrugged and put the phone away.  Amy gets up and holds a relieved expression, since everyone seems to be ignoring her.

"Wait.. there was a police car in front when I first came in the store.  If this is happening, the car is gone or the mob overwhelmed the officers in it."  Amy frowns at the realization.

Rioting reigned in the store.  Not many people seem to be focused on taking goods from the store, rather there are roaming and varied fights.  A man in the distance makes a stand on top of a pile of produce, and the mass tries to get to him.  Amy can see a better looking group on the other side of her, a few brave shoppers and employees struggling against a few thugs hellbent on fighting.  One of the good guys looked familiar, but they were too far away to see clearly. 

Suddenly two dark haired crazies tried to ambush Amy, one in front of her and one coming from the opposite direction.  The two shriek and yell loudly while rushing towards her.  Amy sprayed the man with mace in front of her.  Immediately afterward, she frantically threw a can of vegetables at his head and the impact was swift.  He tripped and fell backward into a different fight, with what appears to be an innocent shopper fighting a mindless thug that entered the store a short while ago.  A short Asian man looked relieved that one thug collided into another.  The short man shouted "Thank you" in gratitude.

He says,  "Watch out little lady.  Behind you!" 

"Oh no."  Amy said. 

"There's no time!  Push the cart forward!"

"But I don't want to.."  Amy moves back since the other attacker has a long machete on his person.  The short man takes Amy's cart and succeeds in shoving it agaisnt the assailent.  Amy quickly helps the man push and eventually despite the wild swinging of a machete it is for not.  The attacker's back collides with the shelves stored behind the cashiers.  Charcoal bags fall on him.  The short man makes sure the thug is down and removes the machete from him.  Amy turns her cart towards the big group and the exit.

"Well thank you sir for helping me!  How you managed to live long enough to help me is quite a mystery."

"A little karate and dumb luck."  He replies.

"Don't sell yourself short."  The short man laughs at Amy's joke.  The two carefully navigate a minefield of abandoned carts and spilled junk on the floor.  Amy grimaces at a heavily wounded fat man toward the left laying on the ground, with his stomach and intestines spilled out of the gut.  She goes to him and says a few words.

"Stay there.  There's nothing I can do for you.  At least you are to die happy, having consumed food and drinks that clearly made you obese!"  The fat man was mere moments from death.  He finally succumbs.

"You know I'm throwing all these cans just to keep these psychos off of us!"

Amy said in a flustered manner, "Augh!  This is crazy!"

The man says simply, "Follow me."  He takes a cart and bangs into a few malingerers.  Amy takes her cart and does the same.  She does a good job as backup, giving two bad guys a good second time cart ramming.  Amy and her short friend finally see the big group.  The short man runs a cart and lets it go.  The cart has enough momentum to hit someone.  Thrown projectiles are everywhere on the ground and in the air.  Filled carts take up space as the angry invaders fight frightened shoppers and store employees.  The short man throws a few cans and things at antagonists.  The floor is bloody.  Severely injured are left to bleed.  A few dead were piled into a dark corner by members of the angry mob, to be made more obscure than the injured.  Amy tests a hunch.

" **Casey!** Can you hear me?  Where are you!?"  She is slightly surprised to hear back so audibly. 

"Amy!?  Wow there you are!"  Casey gives a rioter a kick in the leg then lays down a two armed hammer blow to the head.

Amy said, "Wow nice work!"  An angry tall man with dark hair was about to take Casey by surprise.  Amy's new friend finds a knife on the ground.  Wasting no time, the short man sneaks around the opponent and stabs him in the back.  Casey looks at the handiwork and laughs.  Casey punches the freak in the face, and a shattering sound is made.  The fool collapses on the ground.  Amy sees another fighter and manages to kick him in the testicles and he goes down. 

Casey says, "Thanks you two.  I'm glad to see you Amy, and I'm happy that we finally won our part of this skirmish."  Just then a store employee looking like the butcher walked up.  Friendly people help protect them while he talks. 

Amy asks, "Who called 911?"  The butcher replies that he did.  They were told the problem isn't zombies but major rioting in many parts of LA.  It spread to several areas like Glendale. 

"The city made a mistake with the police- we aren't going to get help for some time.  Damn LA."

Amy questions again,  "So we're on our own?"

"Yes.  You young lady and the asian gentleman were kind enough to help us.  Wear these 'PAID' stickers with pride.  You deserve it."  Amy puts a yellow sticker on her cardigan.  

Casey said, "Let's get out of here!  Oh crap.  There's a few assholes blocking the exit."  Some of that mob held metal pipes, a tire iron, and crowbars.  They looked, beyond a shadow of a doubt, eager to fight.  

The asian man asked, "What do we do now?" 

Casey said,  "I have a concealed handgun.  I've been saving my clips for a moment like this."

Amy gave the group blocking the exit a dirty stink eye.  "Excellent.  Blast those lowlives!"  The butcher whispered something to Casey, maybe about shooting them, or about why he had not tried to use his gun before.

Casey began shooting some precise bullets.  Amy pushed her cart out of the store with everyone else.  She made sure to not let her orthopedic shoes get in the way of a good running speed. 

Many people followed their lead and filed out of the store.  There were fires in the distance.  The streets were surprisingly empty.  Neighboring stores looked destroyed and ransacked.  A few cars were in bad condition.  Some accident scenes were visible.  As luck would have it, Casey was parked close to Amy's car.  Amy frantically threw groceries in her car as well as she possibly could.  Casey came back with something. 

"Do you have a gun or know anyone who does?"

Amy replied,  "No, actually." 

"Well then.  Would you be opposed to buying a gun from me for a low low price?"

"Yes, I am opposed, despite the bad circumstances and everything.  I can't buy a piece off of you!  That's illegal!"

"We all just broke a few laws back there, or at least bent all the rules in our favor."

"No offense, but you take the cake by shooting people.  Still, I cannot thank you enough, since you saved many people's lives today."

"True.  FYI I have a concealed gun permit.  Unheard of for most anybody to have, but I possess one nonetheless."

"I've looked up information about laws regarding gun permits.  They are indeed very impossible to get."

"Almost.  I know a guy.  Anyways it didn't seem right for me to not offer." 

"Hmm.. well.. show me.  Tell me how much."

"Walther PPK.  My newest gun.  Sleek, lightweight; James Bond's favorite gun.  As you can see it is in a nice case.  With holster, mags and some 9mm ammo- I'll go eh $300.  The gun alone easily cost more."

"I don't have $300 on me right now.  What about selling something else?"

"Well I have plenty of guns in my car hehe.  Berettas and glocks have a bigger recoil.  You don't want those, especially since I'm assuming that you're a novice shooter."

"Yes I am.  I've never fired a gun actually."

 Amy and Casey engaged in good natured barter and haggling.  Eventually Amy gets a Beretta, an additional magazine, and 4x20 box 9mm bullets in a burlap sack for $120.

"I would never sell anything that cheap.  You're a lucky lady, Amy."  

"I cannot express enough gratitude to you.  There is no way I can afford to lose your business card." 

"No more deals for you!  Unless you buy in bulk."  Amy gave a coy smile.

Amy takes one last long look before leaving.  "Well, this is when our paths diverge." 

"Good night, Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Good night, Sergeant Casey Shilling."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More chapters to come. I will try hard for shorter chapters and more frequent updates. Family & real life get in the way, oh well. 
> 
> Thanks for the helpful writing tips, friends!


	6. An Unexpected Guest or two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe it or not the last chapter ran long. Some of the previous chapter is in this chapter.
> 
> A few days ago I had an internet problem and so I was unable to update the chapter. I was also busy so it took a while before updating. I lost some work but I truly believe this is much better, so maybe everything worked out for the best. 
> 
> Priya was always meant for this chapter.

Howard and Bernadette sat on the couch quietly. They wore pajamas and were preparing to sleep.

"You know _Mrs. Wolowitz_ , once my mother leaves, we should move out of this small place.  The house is much larger, with plenty of room for supplies of all kinds.  Raj and the guys can have a place to bug out to incase anything really bad happens."

"That is very thoughtful of you honey."

"Also the apocalypse can come here and those assholes will _still_ make us pay rent!"

"Despicable."  Bernadette shakes her head.

"Exactly.  Absentee landlords should actually pay _us_ to maintain the place in their stead.  We will have no reason to keep up the maintenance if everything is going to hell anyway!"

"Agreed.  My parents will like me saving money."

"Definitely.  The house has been paid off since forever so it is a win win!" 

The doorbell rang.

Bernadette walked to the door. She had a dispassionate look on her face.

"Bernie who is it?"

"I will find out who is surprising us with a visit." Bernadette shrugged.

Bernadette looked into the peephole. A tall and imposing man was standing alone. Bald and with a thick white beard, Bernadette Wolowitz recognized Mike Rostenkowski, her father. It was his usual to have a clean shaven neck. On his neck was some kind of vertical thick scar along his throat. The scar looked new.

"It's not the guys is it?"

"No, it's definitely not the guys. It's my dad!"

"What?  Ahh just my luck.  What's _Mike_ doing here now?"

"Shhh! Go away if you don't want to be around. I can tell him you're asleep."

"Oh, right." Howard goes into the bedroom.

Bernadette opens the door.  She cheerily says, "Hi Daddy!"

The bearded man enters.  "Heyy baby.  It's been way too long."  The voice is deep and brusque, filled with the sound of pain.

"I know, but that's just our way isn't it?"  The two hug.  "Are you okay?  What's with the scar?"

"I'm fine."  There was a long pause.  He sat next to Bernadette.  He folded his hands and twitched.  Bernadette noticed her father carrying more pistols on him than usual- two instead of just one.

  
"Daddy, why does your voice sound different?"

He continued,  "I had emergency throat surgery today."

Bernadette had a somber, worried look about her.   She had to say something.  "Can you talk more about it?"

The big man did just that.  "The doctor did routine tests and scans then the surgeons decided to conduct an immediate operation.  It's simple stuff to get rid of a tiny throat cyst.  I just left the hospital.  Your mother's doing okay."

"Why didn't anybody call?"

"Unfortunately, your mother is unresponsive.  You know how she can get sometimes."

"Yeah.  You've always been the chatty one, dad." 

"Hah.  Hell is breaking loose out there.  I'm lucky the department didn't call me up for emergency duty."

"You're retired!  Can they do that?"

"The city can _now_.  It's almost enough to piss me off, that's what."

"I see." 

Howard must have heard the conversation and he came back to the living room to talk.  He still wore his comfy silk set pajamas, complete with the HJW anagram.

"Hello Mike er Mr. Rostenkowski!  To what do we owe this pleasure?"

The bearded man turned and directly said,  "Hey you.  Ya know what- stop trying to kiss my ass!  It's annoying!"

Howard held his hands up and demured.  "Uh, yes, sure sure.  No problem."

She asked her father, "Should I have him go change into a different robe or something?"

"Eh why bother?  I don't give a shit."

Bernadette then said to Howard, "My dad sounds different because of throat surgery.  He is fresh from the hospital."  

"Right."

The tall man got up and continued to talk.  "I've been busy before and after my procedure.  I had to shoot at least eight people just to get here from the hospital, give or take.  This area doesn't have bad rioting but it was sure a load off _my_   tired ass!  HAHAHAAHAHAHA ah shit!! Fuck!"

Howard replied, "You sure are swearing a great deal right now sir.  Ahh my Jewish ears.  heeheehee."  Howard teased by putting his fingers in his ears and sticking his tongue out. 

The big man said back, "Well I'm _so_ sorry that morphene is kicking my ass!  You retarded looking bitch!  Lay off will ya?".  The tall man then asked Bernadette, "Oh honey can you get your old man a good glass of water?"

She smiled a bit at her father.  "Of course."  Bernadette went to get him water.

Howard looked over Mr. Rostenkowski.  He wore a long sleeve leather jacket, complete with pistols, flashlight, and a long camping knife with a sheath on the outside.  Howard had a puzzled look on his face, but he tried to hide it around the burly man.  Howard used his intelligence to try and sort out what he is seeing:

"Something isn't quite right.  Sure, besides the swears he seems the same.  He looks the same.  No watch on his arm, cussing but no alcohol breath.. Who knows why he would come here instead of going home!?  Sometimes my father in law really sucks."

Mr. Rostenkowski continued, "Look I am here to have a private word with my daughter.  Do you mind?"

"Yes sir.. of course.  Actually we had a good time 'fishing'.  You know, 'fishing'?"  Howard winked.  He clearly meant shooting craps at an Indian casino since he and Mike did that last time instead of actually fishing.

"Oh sure."

"Next time we can go hunting- anything.  What do you say?"  Howard had an uneasy smile.

"Great.  I'll let you know." 

"Will do."  The guest nodded and gave a subtle smile before Howard turned and walked away to the bedroom. 

Bernadette listened while her husband said, "You know, Bernie, make the _talk_ with your **_dang_** cussing **_father_** quick.  We should _get to bed_."  

"Ok.  I'll keep the talk short."  Bernadette reacted nonchalantly to his nodding and eyerolling, along with his choice of words.

Howard muttered, "I should leave before I make any more stupid suggestions."

* * *

Raj was singing his own version of Benny and the Jets.  He stumbled home after dropping off everyone.  Raj opened his flask and had some more smooth Kahlua.

"BUM BUM BUMMMM!!!!!! Penny and the Guys!! Baby! Baby!  Penny!  Somebody should have sex with MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHH OHHH OH OH."  Raj was strutting around like a buzzed drunk and he looked exuberant and excited about coming home.

By some miracle his driving and brief time on the side streets were not bad.  Sure, he honked his horn frequently, but avoided having any trouble. 

Raj fumbled his way back into his pad, and plops down on the couch.  He was briefly unaware that Priya is sitting on the far end of the couch, arms folded, and she looks cross and upset.

"Oh hey Priya... Priya!  Oh no what are you doing in here?"  Raj paniced and gets as far from her as possible.  He sat uncomfortably on the couch.

"Rajesh Koothrappali- What in the bloody hell?  I had to wait at the airport for a long time for you!  You never came.  An hour after landing I got your stupid text saying you were 'busy, out with friends' whatever."

Raj frowned and defended himself.  "I didn't know when you were landing!"

"Well it didn't matter.  I saved my spare key, lucky that the locks weren't changed.  It took me even longer to get here since I needed a really good taxi!"

"What do you mean a good Taxi?"

"Like some Middle Easterner is giving me a ride!  Besides, I paid a good Indian man for a quality drive.  I have all these pieces of luggage, and yet I insisted I was destitute and average.  He seemed to buy it, or he knew how to be discrete."   

"Ok.  Well anyways Korean food is amazing.  If you tried it, you might understand why I didn't go to the airport to wait around for you!"

"Yeah yeah yeah.  Look Raj, stop being selfish okay?  I know I'm one of the luckiest women to get out of India!  Still, can you at least _try_ to make me feel comfortable here?"

"Sure."  Priya rolled her eyes.

"I mean I'll do what I can to make you feel comfortable and secure.  I really don't want anything bad to happen to you." 

"Yes you will.  You better.  I brought with me several gifts, including some chocolates from the airport!  I know you're a chocoholic."

"Why thank you.  I especially love chocolate with caramel."  Raj said evenly.  Raj moved closer to his sister.  "I also _mean_ what I said.  I won't let anyone hurt my sister."

"Oh Raj that's touching.  By the way I brought a huge fortune with me!  It is _our_ money now, not just Mummy and Daddy's!"

"Oh boy!  I'm feeling so awesome, and it's not just because I had my Kahlua!"

"Yes!  We have at least 100 million rupees, possibly more.  We are at least $20 million dollars richer!"

"Wow I'm so happy!  I love you Priya!  Let's hug."  They both get up from the couch.  Raj wraps his arms around his sister.

"I'm glad you like everything.  You keep this place nice; it's so clean."

"This place is definitely tight."

"Hmm it is.  Let's open up some wine or something!"

"I shall pour you some right away!"

Priya and Raj have their glasses.  "Cheers."  "Cheers to you, Raj."

* * *

       Penny, Sheldon, and Leonard come back to their building and enter a crowded lobby.  The three caught sight of just about every one of the residents plus the building manager gathered around the broken elevator area and the mailboxes.  Mrs. Vartabedian was there, as well as Mrs. Gunderson and Mrs. Grossinger.  Several young men were there, presumably the first floor residents.  The building manager explained how the ever elusive owner of the building was going away to Cuba, due to having little faith in the situation here.  The manager reinterated how he wanted the building to be kept in great shape.  He apologized for the elevator.  It has been non-functioning for years and unsurprisingly the first floor residents didn't care about that.  The manager told everyone of the owner's offer of free rent for all current residents, at least for a year.  Twelve months from now the owner would want to see the condition of the building and everything.  

The building manager cleared his throat.  "4B.  Penny.  I would like to inspect your unit.  I hope it is clean this time." 

"Sure.  I'm not the neatest person in the world, so forgive the mess up there."  Penny asserted nicely.

"Oh I don't know.."  The manager looked at Penny disdainfully.  "Clean it or find somewhere else to live." 

"Gee- is there a way we could work something out, so that I _don't_ have to clean up the clothes that are everywhere?"

"Let me think.  No.  It's a disgusting hazard.  Come on Penny, let's go."  Penny shrugged and followed the manager.

Sheldon says to Leonard, "About time somebody laid down the law around here."  Leonard elbowed Sheldon with disapproval.

An unknown person made stepping sounds coming down the stairwell.  "Yeah- clean your apartment you pathetic nerd-fucking skank!" 

Leonard says, "Oh no!  That sounds like Alicia, that horrible cunt living in 5A!  I thought she moved out!"

Sheldon said back, "Me too.  Apparently she didn't leave."  Sheldon grinned in a funny yet odd way. 

Penny shouted to Alicia who revealed herself to the people in the lobby, "Look who's talking you cheap network tv hooker!"

"Yeah so what if I got the part and so many others?"  

"Well why I'm _so_ mad is because you're the loosest slut in Hollywood!  My names Alicia and I fuck all comers for screen time!  Cocks in my holes for tv roles!" 

Alicia couldn't take the insult.  "Ok that's it you bitch!  Another beating for you!" 

"No fighting!  No fighting!"  The manager said. 

Alicia piled on spitefully, "And to think _I_ was being nice by avoiding all your stupid asses!" 

Sheldon effectively moves between Alicia and Penny, preventing any confrontation.  Leonard does the same.

"Don't punch our friend!"  Sheldon exclaimed.  Leonard said, "You manipulative bitch!  If you fight Penny again you'll pay." 

Alicia stopped herself, but she still looks enraged and furious.  "The worst part is there are _more_ of you moving into the building!"  She points to the guys standing around the mailboxes.

Mrs. Vartabedian says something to Alicia.  "It's not my business how people live their lives, but you young lady are a problem.  If you really don't like us just move out already!"

Alicia responds, "Fair enough."  Alicia tells the building manager of her intention to move out and have movers come by asap.  She also uses crude middle finger gestures and says, "Well I'm leaving!  See ya losers!"  The downstairs group jeer and feel happy once Alicia has left.  The group in the building continue talking about the zombie problem and the severe rioting that has taken over most of LA.  Penny and the manager walk upstairs while the group continues talking.    

* * *

 Raj and Priya had more to drink than during usual drinking sessions.  Empty beer bottles were in front of Raj on the table.  Both Koorthrappalis now had heavy eyes, and conducted more of a sunken sitting position in the couch.  Neither one had spoken for a while.  Each had stared into the other's eyes, wondering about any number of things.

"So did you just sit around waiting for me or what?"

"No.  I did things around here actually.  I made your bed.  I fed your dog."

"You did?  That was cool of you, but you didn't have to do that."

"Sure I did.  Look Raj, I'll get to the point.  Leonard was a foolish mistake.  I was insensitive and immature to even think about going out with one of your friends.  I was wrong to make you uncomfortable for all that time.  I'm sorry."  

 Raj appeared to have a pensive expression.  "I accept your apology.  I like that you are here, since you've been away I've been worried about everybody."

"That is nice of you, being concerned.  It doesn't do any good.  Do something that matters, with me."

"Do what?"

"Well Rajesh, I didn't give you a proper apology yet.  I want to do things for you.  Anyways I know I'm a prissy bitch and I should change so I'm not a giant pain."

"What do you mean?" 

"Before mummy and daddy gave me these gifts, they told me to find an Indian man.  Our parents know all too well that each of us finding a suitable partner that is Indian is very difficult.  It was implied and indirectly mentioned that we would be spending a great deal of time together.  They probably want us to spend time _together_."  Raj had a blank expression.  "You know, together in bed."  Raj gasped in shock.

"No!  Shut your ass!"  Priya laughed giddily.

"It's funny that you say that.  I crave it in the rear so badly!"

"Oh good.  Me too."  Raj laughed a little bit.  "No.  I mean.. I mean I mean.  No.  I only enjoy the ladies butts.  I like hot women in every way.  I give it to them and it's the best."  

Priya plopped herself down on the couch and started laughing, while looking up into Raj's eyes.  "Raj you are too much!  This is classic!  You are so hysterical!"  Priya grinned as much as she could.

Raj took the advice he had heard for so long and attempted to be confident.  "Heh heh.. well I like to make lemonade out of lemons.  Speaking of which, do you want to kiss?  Or do you just want to _play my clarinet_?"

Priya took off her coat and jeans, while getting close to Raj.  She showed off her leopard print lingerie.  "I like how you're thinking, but no more questions.  Don't kill the mood."

Raj had more to drink while Priya turned on some dance music.  They both love Lady Gaga, so her music was an obvious choice.  Priya danced sensually for Raj.  Raj relaxed on the couch, observing this intense spectacle.  He had little choice but to take in his sisters sultry seduction.  Priya's writhing body, complete with modest yet perky bosoms.  Her tightly curved gluteus posessed just the right amount of muscle and only a hint of flab.  Raj had an ecstatic expression, since his sister had already surpassed Lucy and the other disappointing females that have been in his life.

* * *

 

Howard had in his head a vision of what transpired in the last two minutes or so.  The long sleeve leather jacket wasn't just for warmth, but for covering up tattoos most likely.  Some wrist ink was exposed on the big man's left arm!  The signs were all there!  They were too absent minded and trusting!  She was stupid, and so was he!  He had been too ambiguous in his message to his beloved about Bernadette's 'dang father'.  This form of imminent danger feels so surreal it was almost unreal.  A hitman who looked and acted like Mike Rostenkowski!  But why?  Bernadette didn't make enemies _that_ easy did she?  Even worse, what if that really was her father, and he seems more demented now.  No, Bernadette's dad wouldn't just get random arm tattoos then claim an extremely unlikely throat surgery then to top it off act like he had a cussing form of Tourettes.  It was all too late by far.  But not for him, not for a plucky Wolowitz.

"Let's see.  Glock 9mm.  Smith and Wesson Forty-five caliber.  Bring it."  His arms rested on the bed.  Howard pointed the guns at the door.  He ducked his head so it would not be visible.

"I can't bear to watch!"

**BOOM!  BOOM!**

Howard Wolowitz heard two loud gunshots.  He had too solid a handle on the situation- no way Howard would discharge his firearms without anyone coming thru the door.  The noises echoed in Howard's head long after the sound of the bullets had passed.  Somehow, Howard resisted the urge to cry.  He feared the worst.

_**"Bernie!?  BERNIE!?!?!"** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger! 
> 
> I can't make any promises, but shorter chapters and more frequent updates are a goal.


	7. Lucky Number Seven

    

    Howard Wolowitz thought he heard noises, so he moved closer to the door to try and listen.  He put his right ear to the door, tiptoing there just to be sure not to make any noise.

 **MMFFF URGHHH AWWWWAAAHHAHAHAHAH...** The first sounds were more promising; the villain would meet his doom while letting out shrieks.  The later sounds were extremely unsettling, namely that of Bernadette in pain. 

"Howard!  Get in here!  It's not my dad it's an intruder!  Get a gun!"  Howard reacted instantly, casting danger to the side.  He barged in and tumbled in a small somersault to avoid any potential complications.  Wolowitz soon stood upright, ready to confront the dangerous man. **  
**

"I'm here honey."  Howard said simply.  The old doppelganger was on the ground.

"He has blunt trauma to the head, but he might overcome it.  Shoot him now!"  Howard shot the bald man in the chest twice.

Bernadette soon approached the oldest person in the room.  She looked injured and bloodied. 

"Are you ok Bernadette?"

"I'm fine Howard.  I wasn't shot or stabbed or anything.  We might want to patch up the ceiling though."  Bernadette pointed to the ceiling with a gunshot hole in it. 

"Wait what's that in your right hand?"

"Oh this?  It's a revolver he tried to shoot me with!"

"Ah.  Well what happened Bernie?"  Howard walked to the kitchen to put the guns down and get himself some water.

"It's not so much to tell.  We struggled.  I was just damned lucky I didn't get shot by now."  Howard pat Bernadette on the shoulder and smiled at her.

Howard's expression turned more stoic and disgusted.  "Look at him!  He's bleeding all over the place, and coughing up blood.  Ugh." 

"I'll take care of this."  Bernadette moved close in and shot her attacker right in the neck.  The gun was very loud.  The two heard his neck bone crack.  By now they were both certain the imposter finally died.

"Can you call your dad and see if he can send somebody?"

"Sure.  I have more to say.  Your comment really helped me.  By the time you were out of the way, I realized that none of his behavior added up."

"Really?  It did?"

"Maybe subconsciously you knew it wasn't my dad.  I don't think you'd sass him to his face at all!"

"Hmmm you might be onto something.  Anyways I'd like to take his jacket off, just to look at something."  Howard moved to the bloody body while Bernadette made the call.  Howard removed the jacket and saw plenty of tattooed skin on the arms.

"I was right!  Hah!  He did have tattoos on his arms."  Howard also found his wallet, containing Vladimir Rozenovich's drivers license and other junk like credit cards.  "Typical.  No cash.  Ah well."

Soon Bernadette gave Howard the good news that her father is fine and that there will be help with resolving the situation coming soon. 

"I'm happy that the body and the blood will be cleaned up for us!" 

"Yeah, it's nasty.  Listen I almost really screwed up back there."

"No you didn't.  He could have killed you if you did anything sudden." 

"Well it felt like screwing up.  I love you Bernadette!  You're everything to me!"

"I know.  I love you too."  She wraps her arms around Howard and kisses him passionately. 

Bernadette said, "Go and wait for me in bed.  I want to reflect on what just happened."  Her mood turned from the brief joy to a somber, serious looking mood.

Howard nodded briefly.  "Okay." 

* * *

 

   Raj finished laying a new blanket on his bed, and he climbed back into his bed.  Priya stirred, having already made herself comfortable under the covers.  They briefly conversed about the blanket until Raj folded it onto his side only.  The two are sleeping far apart from each other.

"Raj?" 

"What is it Priya?  I almost fell asleep."

"I'm horny."

"Still?"

"No, I mean again."

"Well we really had quite the drunken romp earlier.  It was great.  But I'm tired and I get cranky if I don't get sleep." 

"I see." 

"I suppose this next fact isn't too weird for you to know, since we already done it."

"Oh?"

"I wake up with morning wood and very often and consistently by the way." 

"I like the sound of that."

"I bet you do."

"I'll definitely wake you up hehe."

"Awesome."

"Just to make sure- you're not interested right now?"  Priya looked at Raj and moved closer to him in bed. 

"I'm sure.  Besides all this gross sweat I'm feeling in the sheets- probably mine by the way- really helps suppress any desire."

"Okay feeling it is one thing but hearing you talk about the sweat out loud is quite another!  My libido is shot."  She said assertively.  "Thank you Raj."  Priya said sarcastically.

She scoots away from Raj's side of the bed.

"You know Raj, if you had intercourse more regularly in your own bed- you would not be so put off by sweaty sheets."

"Ouch... burn... whatever."  Raj quickly drifts off to sleep.

* * *

 

   The building manager finally walked down the stairs and out of the building.  The manager as well as the older ladies are gone, leaving only the guys on the first floor.

"Finally he's gone!  Who knows what he said to Penny but it's definitely time somebody had the hygiene talk with her."  Sheldon proclaimed.

"Hey let's not be so hard on Penny."  Leonard replied. 

"She's hot!  How well do you two know her?"  A big fat guy asked Sheldon and Leonard about Penny.

"Well, ever since I moved in with Sheldon she's lived across the hall from us." 

Sheldon moves into lecture mode.  "That's not what he asked, Leonard.  We know Penny well.  So anyway my roommate dated her on and off.  Penny kept on dumping him.  She's currently single, or at least not seeing Leonard- though none of that matters to me.  Good-natured simpletons like Penny do not interest me in the slightest.  I, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, am in a relationship with Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.  To sum up that confusing and arduous tale of courtship which I do not want to discuss; she is the _de facto_ female counterpart of myself.  She is not for anyone else but me!  I gave a karate chop to Leonard to remind him about how Amy is not for him.  That was also in response to Leonard making a lewd comment about Amy."

The big guy opines, "Bad Lenny, bad!  No more potty mouth out of you!"

Leonard walks closer and gets in his face.  "Or what you stupid fat loudmouth?  I can kick you in the crotch so dang easily.  You better watch it."  

"Ooh we have a tough guy here.  Real big of you."

Sheldon put his hands out in a pleading gesture.  "Everyone, please!"  

The quiet short guy speaks up.  "Sheldon, you seemed to get sidetracked talking about your girlfriend.  My friend and I would like to hear more about Penny."

Sheldon responds.  "Alright Napoleon.  Penny's nether regions are ravenous.  She's had coitus many, many times.  She's from Nebraska.  She works as a waitress at the Cheeesecake Factory.  That is literally it."

"Okay then.  I hope my big friend Ed will consider thinking about something else besides our neighbor Penny."  Napoleon said. 

Ed looks at his shorter friend.  "Yeah, well, I can do just fine Napoleon, especially if I shred it on my axe for her."

Leonard looked disturbed and flustered, cringing with his eyes and mouth.  "Listen, seriously dude, you must be delusional.  She's not interested.  Don't waste your time.  Besides, I'm an excellent cello player and she's really into that!"  

Ed threw up his hands.  "Whatever.  We've been talking here for some time.  It's been real, aside from hearing Leonard complain about his mother and all that.  See you later Sheldon."  He waved as he departed.

"Well how about that, Leonard?  I'm the cool one now!  People _really_ like me!"  Leonard looked like he was about to fume. 

Napoleon tried to help out.  "Don't let Ed get to you.  He can be kind of a jerk sometimes."

Sheldon blurted out, because he probably could not help it.  "Well Leonard too.  They have so much in common."  

Leonard started going up the steps.  "Sheldon has several flaws as well.  He isn't above height discrimination, Napoleon.  It was good to talk and I'll see you guys later."   

A short while later Sheldon was going to walk up the stairs when he gets a text from Amy.  She wanted to call him but she wasn't "composed."  Amy wanted to urgently see him asap and potentially stay the night.  Sheldon texted back ok; he was coming. 

"Oh no.  I can't walk over to Amy's in this madness engulfing us.  Leonard probably does not want to give me a ride."

"I don't drive, Sheldon.  I can't help you, sorry."  

"Oh that's all right.  I don't drive either.  You don't have a Ph.D yet nevertheless it's a delight to talk to you!  We have many things in common."

"Thanks Sheldon.  I appreciate that."  

A tall, well built man walked out of apartment 1A, Napoleon's apartment.  "Hey guys.  I'm going to run across the street for some beers and stuff.  Napoleon, do you want anything?"  He says no.  

"Sheldon, this is my other roommate and friend Steven."  Sheldon and Steven each say "'Sup."  

Napoleon discussed with Steven Sheldon's plight about going to Amy's apartment.  Soon, after finding out where she lives and receiving some money from Sheldon, Steven allows Sheldon to ride on the back of his motorcycle.

* * *

    ***knock* *knock* *knock*** Amy. ***knock* *knock* *knock*** Amy. ***knock* *knock* *knock*** Amy.

 **  
**Amy has an ecstatic look on her face when she sees Sheldon.  She grabs him and gives him a wet kiss on the mouth.  Sheldon is speechless.

  "Well dude she looks thrilled to see you.  It took guts to want to come here and hold onto me tight when I was popping all those wheelies and riding like a maniac out there."

"You sure didn't make it easy, new friend Steven.  I know I was screaming the whole time, but it kept me from throwing up or relieving myself in my pants."  Steven guffawed.

"I'm going back man.  Later!" 

Amy thanked Steven and gets Sheldon inside her apartment.  They lock the door quickly. 

 


	8. The Spanking Situation

        Sheldon and Amy both enter the apartment.  Amy is wearing a thick red and pink colored robe, suitable for colder temperatures.  She has recently taken a shower.  Her hair smells of green apples, one of Sheldon's favorite aromas.

 Sheldon has an apprehensive look about him.  He didn't look too happy. 

"Why did you kiss me out in the hallway?" 

Amy stared at Sheldon intensely, pacing slightly in front of him.  She looked up and down, away from Sheldon at times and then back at him. 

"I really miss you badly." 

"So what?  I don't act inappropriately just because you come by my apartment!"

"How was the kiss inappropriate?"

" _Public_ displays of affection make me extremely uncomfortable, especially when they involve me!"

Amy has a serious sound in her voice.  "Oh Sheldon.  I forgot.  I'm so sorry!"

"You forgot."  Sheldon sighed.  "Why am I not surprised?"

"Sheldon..  I had a crazy day and seeing you right now makes me happy." 

"Were you shot at today?  I was- a short time ago." 

"Not _per se_ , but rioters with machetes almost hacked me to death." 

Sheldon stood as he always did in Amy's apartment, aloof and stoically, as if the conversation were an everyday scolding. 

"I'm glad you are alright."  Sheldon and Amy were tilting their heads while staring at each other, as if there was something to be observed on each of their heads.  

"I brought home lots of groceries.  Plenty of canned food.  Strawberry Quik.  Spaghetti, really awesome hot dogs, and lots of other goodies.  Pringles too.  I remember you like those." 

"I am so thrilled that you weren't goofing off like the rest of us were today!"  Sheldon pat Amy's head.  "Very good, Amy." 

Amy smiled.  "Would you like a hot beverage?"

"Yes."  Sheldon sat down on the couch.

Amy walked to the kitchen and brought over chamomile tea.  "Here."  Sheldon sipped from the brew casually, savoring the herbal tea.  "I hope you like it."

"Mmmm mm that's soothing."

Amy sat down as well and made herself comfortable.

"Why did you invite me over?"  Sheldon inquired.

"Well.. let me put it to you this way.  I'm going to bed.  I would like you to join me."  

"Sleep with you?"  Sheldon laughed in a haughty way.  "You're funnin' me aren't ya?" 

"Nope.  I'm serious." 

"Argh... I know what you are referring to.  It isn't just literally sleeping next to each other, which I'm actually _okay_ with now."  Sheldon pouted and folded his arms.  "Leonard and Penny bought me that damn book a few years ago."   

Amy looked more deflated; like a person who was put through a strainer.  "I'm distraught, Sheldon!  The world is going to end and you _still_ won't give it to me!?  **What the hell!?** "

Sheldon panicked.  "Well maybe we can get into bed and see if you can have a better mood."

"Wait.. you want to go to bed with me; share a bed with me?"

"Why not?  You are my girlfriend.  Plus it's a bit nippy in here."

"Oh I have the small electric heater going in the bedroom.  I really loathe the central heating- it makes way too much noise."

"Understandable.  I share your aversion to ventilation sounds."

Amy nodded.  "Are you going to shower?  You do not look like you have taken your evening shower; you need to." 

"Hmm.  Not yet.  There is still the issue of the inappropriate kiss.  Tell me, are you wearing anything under that robe?" 

"Just a new bra and panty I've been waiting to show you, why?" 

"Good to know that you aren't naked under there.  I cannot, as they say, spare the rod."

"Take your rod and give it to me!"  Amy pleaded.  She showed raw angsty emotion.  Sheldon squirmed and then continued to speak.

"No.  I wish I had an actual rod to spank you with, but my right hand will do."

"You're going to spank me over a _kiss_?" 

"Yes.  I don't like public kissing, so don't do it." 

"Wait what about the time Penny and I were kissing you after she bested you at wrestling?"

"Context, Amy, context.  Penny was gloating over one of the few personal victories in her life, and you were there to rub salt in the wound.  Indecent, yes, but not a spankable offense."

"Oh.  That was educational.  Can you go wash your hands before spanking me?"

Sheldon walked to the bathroom to wash his hands.  "An impeccable suggestion.  Your soap smells of mint- and something else I can't tell what it is."

"It's citrus mint." 

"How delightful!" 

Sheldon walked back and sat down.  "Come on.  Climb on my lap and let's get on with this." 

"Okay." 

"Also I want to spank your bare bottom, not your robe.  So take off your robe." 

Amy took off her robe and threw it on the closest chair, revealing her red bra and panty. 

"What do you think of my lingerie?"

"Well, it's a logical choice for wearing, however the red color looks tacky."  Amy looked miffed.  "But it's nothing to be too concerned about." 

Amy positioned herself over Sheldon.  Sheldon paused, looking at Amy presenting herself before him in this manner.  Amy's posterior is exposed, more so than Sheldon had seen before.  Amy had more clothes on during previous spankings. 

"Well?  Are you going to spank me?"

"Hush."  Sheldon swatted her bottom.  Once, twice, three times.  Again and again and again.  Sheldon struck the left cheek, then the right, and alternated.  Sometimes Sheldon spanked to try and make a loud sound.  Other times he wanted his hand to make a big physical impact.  Sometimes both.  It was becoming more difficult for Amy to remain still.  She grunted.  Sheldon finally stopped.  Amy's cheeks were beginning to turn color.

"Hmm.. that was some good spanking I did.  I'd like to do some standing up.  Brace yourself against the couch.  Try not to move."  Amy stood up and prepared herself.  Sheldon gave her three good swats. 

"Alright.  We're done with that."  Sheldon said with finality.

"Well then.  Can I go to bed now Sheldon?" 

"Yes.  Just one more thing."

"And that is?"

"Bazinga!"

Amy raised her eyes at Sheldon.  "What?"

"I did object to that kiss, but not enough to punish you for it.  I just wanted to spank you, Amy!"

"Sheldon, that's diabolical!"  Amy said, astounded.

"I know."  Sheldon had an air of smugness to him. 

"I don't really want to ask, but how can you be satisfied?"

"What do you mean?"

"You need to look upon my bosom!"  Amy took her bra off and cast it aside.  Amy revealed her breasts.  Sheldon stared for a good while. 

"That is quite satisfying, Amy!"  

"That's the idea."  Amy moved up toward Sheldon so he would have a closer view.

"Look at me ogling your breasts.  You're a naughty vixen, Amy Farrah Fowler!"  Sheldon grinned.

"Oh, Sheldon!"  Amy matched Sheldon's facial expression.  "Don't you want to feel them?"

"No need.  I'm fine."  Amy shivered a bit. 

"I'm ready to go to bed.  What about your washing up?"

"I'll go now.  Darn.  I didn't bring anything with me."

Amy pointed to her robe.  "You can wear that robe to bed.  It's clean."  

"Thank you.  Dibs on the Pringles!"  Sheldon opened the Pringles and ate a bunch at once.  "So Delicious."

Sheldon went into the shower and Amy eagerly ran into her bedroom.  She threw on pajamas and dove in under the bed's covers.  

Amy looked at her phone and texted Penny.

" _Hey bestie!  Sheldon is at my place.  He really did a number on_ _me_ ;) :)"

_"Wow you two finally done it?  lol"_

_"Yes and no.  Sheldon loves spanking me!  It's great."_  

 _"That sounds sooooo fun way to go_ _Ames_   :D"

_"I'm tired now._ _Nite"_


	9. Bleak Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zombies! Finally! I know.

Howard and Bernadette ate breakfast.  The morning was not very pleasant to either Howard or Bernadette.  Howard rose early to try and do something about the rotten corpse smell.  Febreze wasn't cutting it.  Howard was all too happy to let Bernadette take over fumigation while he showered.  Bernadette briefly cracked a window before thinking better of it and closed it.

  
"How was your bagel, Howard?"  Bernadette asked.

" _Schmeared_ with plenty of cream cheese- very tasty."  Howard replied. 

"Good.  We're going to have to do without perishables and certain food groups like dairy.  So we use what we have then no more!" 

"Nooooo!"  Howard whined. 

"We are already dealing with a sideshow of a disaster with the rioting!  So stop whining." 

"Who is to say things have to get worse?  Maybe they will get better."

"Get real."  Bernadette said crossly.  She ate with Howard in the bedroom simply because the body decomposed into something smelling rank way too quickly.  At least with the door closed eating in there was not nearly as bad.

There was a momentary pause as Bernadette turned on the tv.  The two had to stand and watch from a distance since the body was way too close to the tv viewing area. 

"When is your dad getting here, Bernie?" 

"Soon." 

"Not soon enough.."  Howard muttered.

* * *

"Pancakes and waffles!  You really didn't have to do all this, Raj!"

"It's no problem at all!  Infact, you helped get me up."  Raj said back to Priya.

"But you were already up!"  Priya replied coyly.  She smiled flirtateously. 

"That was quite the wake up call earlier today."  Raj smiled and laughed.  Raj put blueberries and raspberry syrup on his pancakes and waffles. 

"Do you always eat this much?"

"No.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just really hungry today." 

"Will you ever stop eating?"  Raj replied unsure while still chewing.  "I probably know the answer to that.  As they say in the UK, I'll go see what's on the tele."

* * *

Penny knocked on Leonard's door.  Leonard went to answer the door with a smile extending upward ear to ear.

"Hey I have plenty of breakfast Penny.  Come on in!"

"Heya.  What's with you and your good mood?  Wait.. do you have _someone_ over!?" 

"Nope.  Better.  Sheldon is not here!  What a good morning right?" 

"I know Sheldon's not here."  Penny went to grab some cereal with some French Toast.  The two casually eat.

"Wait how do you know?  Is he in your place?" 

"No."

"Is he with one of our neighbors?" 

"Our Sheldon?  Hahahaha.  What a question.  Look Amy told me he is at her place." 

"What is he doing all the way over there?"

"Doing it.  For real this time.  By the sound of it they were getting _freaky_." 

"Whoa.  No way."  Leonard looked in disbelief.  Penny looked at him and shared the look.

"Amy wouldn't lie.  We have girl talk sometimes.  I would not tell you that, except some of it was about _Sheldon_ and your French Toast is really good!"

"You're also a huge gossip."

"Yeah, well, can't help it."

"Even if Amy is honest, how did Sheldon get over to her house?  Amy is not a profile in courage.  She would _not_ drive all the way over here and back just to have sex with Sheldon." 

"Oh I don't know.  I don't think you're giving her enough credit."

"Well there is only one way to find out."  Leonard took his phone out of his pocket.

"No don't call Sheldon or Amy!"  Penny pleaded.

"Fine."

"You know the building manager suspected that I cleaned my apartment for the free rent."

"It's a sweet deal.  Very hard to pass up." 

"I'm glad Alicia is gone."

"Me too.  One of you would have eventually killed the other."  Leonard frowned.  "Of course, nobody would miss Alicia."

"Thanks."  Penny said simply.

"You know that fat guy Ed?  He is so lame and annoying!" 

"Well what is so bad about him, besides being fat?" 

"He is a big mouth who just says whatever offensive, hurtful crap comes to mind!" 

"That sounds a great deal like you, Leonard!"  Leonard was speechless.

"Oh it does not."  He finally replied.

"Okay Leonard, you may not be a motormouth or the worst guy in the world, but you are a Grade A Whiner!  People hate that."

"What fucking ever okay?  We might be friends, but we're not going out anymore so what do you care?" 

"If you don't whine at all, maybe you can make a better impression on people.  There's that other guy, what about him?"

"Napoleon's nice." 

"That's good."   

"Sheldon was still talking to Napoleon when I walked upstairs.  Sheldon did say the same thing you did, that I am similar to Ed." 

"Wow.  The fat guy likes me doesn't he?"  Leonard looked stunned at Penny's guess.

"Oh my god how did you know?"

"Leonard!  Hello?  It's the story of my life!  Pretty much any two random guys that lock horns it's because of me.  I can sense it easily by now."

"Hmmm.  That makes sense." 

"You're nice enough to give me breakfast.  Thanks."

"No problem.  Let's see what's on tv!"  

* * *

Sheldon's upper body lifted itself off of Amy's bed.  Sheldon looked to Amy.

"Good morning."  Sheldon said to Amy.  Amy did not seem to budge much.  "Come on, wake up!"

"I don't want to get up."  Amy said back. 

"Fine.  Be that way.  I'll eat alone then."  Sheldon left for the kitchen to pour himself some cereal.  He turned on the tv.   
 

* * *

"So there is one question I can think of right now Stuart.  What did everyone watch on tv?"

"Easy, David.  The Zombie Virus arrived in the Americas, one way or another.  By air, by sea." 

"There were some reports about ghost ships- empty ships drifting from one part of the world to the other, running aground.  Other ships posessed a full crew, which later died, by infection or not.  Birds and rats were the two biggest spreaders of the virus.  Once enough humanoid zombies arose, they tended to do the rest." David stated.

"Oh yeah."

"How do you have such good records of conversations?" asked David.

"Well, not all of this is speculation, but some of it is.  Why ruin the mystery by saying which is which?"  Stuart smiles.  "Conveniently enough, any potential talk about me that might be considered negative has been forgotten- or erased." 

 

  


	10. Coming and Going in the morning

 

              Howard and Bernadette heard knocking at the door.  It had been a longer wait than the Wolowitz's preferred.  Howard grew tired of the news that the virus made its way to their part of the world.  He turned the tv volume down.  Bernadette walked over and peered into the peephole.  Howard walked over as well and took a look through it to see what was outside the apartment.  It appeared to be Mike Rostenkowski, but the smelly corpse in the apartment proved one thing: One could never be too sure.

"Who's there?" Howard asked.

"Sgt. Mike Rostenkowski, Pasadena police department, retired."

"Are we ever going to go fishing?" Howard spoke up to say, in an impromptu fashion.

They could hear the man loud and clear through the door. "I don't think the Indian casinos will make it, but we can work something out. Vegas is getting more and more crowded with travelers- good news is they should survive the whole thing. We'll go."

Bernadette nodded. "Good one." she said. "Alright.. I have a question. Why don't I like kids?"

The big man replied, "Your mother ran an unregistered and unregulated daycare and you hated working in it and being around it." The tone of voice seemed to change, becoming more abrupt and stern.

Howard asked, "That's correct right?". She said back, "Yes, basically it is. It's not something he likes to talk about."

"What _does_ your dad like to talk about?"  Bernadette motioned to Howard to go away.  "Shhh!!  Can you spray some more Febreze or get the masks?  I'm about to pass out here!"  Howard does as he is asked.

She continued to talk through the door.  "Ok, so, daddy, what happened during my wedding?  Be specific.  We all use Facebook and all that so..."

"Well.. by the way this is excellent questioning Bernadette Maryann.  The wedding was very unique, being on your friend's apartment roof.  Mrs. Wolowitz was there with her humongous brown bushy moustache.  I'm happy she sat in the corner."  The big man laughed.  "Of course I walked you down the aisle.  Your friends all became ministers in order to legally marry you before Howard's space launch.  Howard's 'buddy' Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, and finally Penny."  He laughed again.  "Guess we can't all be doctors, can we?"

"Nope." Bernadette sighed.  "I'm getting tired of this.  Secret password or phrase?"

"Polski."  Mike said.  Bernadette had trouble hearing it.  "Howard!"  She motioned to the Jewish man to listen through the door.  Bernadette kept talking through the door.  "I could not hear that.  Repeat."  Mike repeated the word.

"It sounds like Pole.. Ski.  Bernie is that right?"

"Yeah.  It's one word, Polski, the Polish word for Polish."

"Ah.  Ok let him in." 

"Wait I want to call his mobile."

"What for?  You don't trust him?"

"I know it's him I just want to do that anyway." 

Bernadette resumed looking through the peephole.  She has to use a small step to be able to look through so it is awkward.  Sure enough, Mike took his phone out and showed his flatscreen smartphone to the peephole.  Incoming call.  Bernadette Rostenkowski-Wolowitz.  

"The phone looks good!"  Bernadette said cheerily.  Howard and Bernadette unlock the door and let Bernadette's father in.  Mike stepped into the apartment.   

"Hey you two.  That is one strong smell!  One whiff of that goes a long way.  Believe me, I know."  Despite the smell, the big man walked over to take a good look at the doppelganger on the floor.  The body starts to look more brown and decompsed looking, compared with several hours ago. 

"Hey daddy".  Bernadette hugged her father. 

"Good job both of you staying safe."  He pointed to Howard and Bernadette.  "I'm pretty sure I have an idea who this guy works for, but I'm not making any assumptions yet.  I'm definitely not touching any corpse until I get these gloves on." 

"It's related to your police work isn't it?" said Bernadette, stating something in the front of her mind.

"Oh definitely.  The charade is the reason to assume that." 

"Here."  Howard said, giving a gas mask to Bernadette.  "We both waited long enough to put these on." 

Mike couldn't resist grinning at that action.  "You know it is good that you two smelled death.  It is something you're really going to need to get used to." 

The mask covered plenty of Howard's face, yet he still looked indignant.  "I don't really care!  I didn't go to medical school for a _reason_!  Can you just tell us who the hell Vladimir Rozenovich is?"  Howard looked down and plainly admitted, "I may have looked through his wallet a little bit." 

"Well you are lucky considering the circumstances.  Going through a body's effects during an incident is very much frowned upon."  The older Rostenkowski went through the body in the completely expected way.  He looked and proceeded just like the seasoned professional who had seen hundreds and hundreds of crime scenes, incidents, bodies in various statuses: the mysteries inside the police lines were no mystery to the man. 

"Ok from what I can tell everything looks as it should.  He is a hitman for the Russian mob.  My lookalike thought this would be an easy job and had you lulled into a false sense of security until somehow his ruse fell apart then he died from these gunshot wounds." 

"So what can you tell us about the man?"  Howard asked curiously.

"Not much since I don't know anything too specific, especially off the top of my head.  His last name is very curious.  He is most likely Russian or Ukranian.  Heck, maybe even Polish.  But Vladimir is about as Russian as it gets.  Besides, before the end of my career I did a great deal of sensitive work with an interagency taskforce.  The Russians and several of these Eastern European mobs were getting more active.  There was a big push to put an end to the new encroachment.  Many mobsters were arrested.  Low level associates and others were killed or injured in shootouts.  Anyways we were very successful but it was the most dangerous and stressful part of my career.  I transferred out with no regrets."

"How did that lead to this happening?"

"Well, somebody leaked something about the taskforce.  Either that or the mob hacked some databases, or both.  The point is a crafty group of people with long memories started getting revenge."  

"So how long has this been going on?"

"Hard to say.  I have no idea how many of these mob murders we in the department might have missed.  But the important thing is you two are alive and doing alright." 

Bernadette took off her mask and bluntly asked her father, "Anytime we get that reeking body out of here?"  She put the mask on again to make the point.

"No time looks better than right now."

* * *

"Raj, what is it?"  Priya asked.  On the inside, Priya had several emotions wanting to rip through her smooth, normal facade and roar with fury.  She didn't appear to lose any of her cool or calm, nevertheless like many people she lost hope and happiness. 

"Nothing.  It's just.. too soon!  This is the worst!  This is so _awful_."  Raj looked unhappy in a pouty way.  He teared up slightly.  Raj looked directly at Priya.  "We're _screwed_!"  Raj said, seriously, with plenty of honest emotion.  Priya did nothing for a moment but just sit there on the couch. 

Raj just screamed at the tv.  **"AHHHHHH!!!!!"** He then swiftly lept off the couch and quickly moved toward his bedroom.  **"WAHHOOO  EEE!!"** Priya rolled her eyes a little and walked toward the door her brother just quickly shut.  

"Raj!  Raj come on come back out here." 

"No.  I'm not coming out." 

"Raj this is ridiculous." 

"Just go away." 

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Great.  I can't believe you just forced me in here."

"What?  I did nothing of the sort."

"Whatever.  I'll come out when I'm ready.  Okay?" 

Priya started bursting out laughing.  She went back on the couch to kick back, completely oblivious to the news on tv. 

"Yes, come out when you're ready."  Priya tapped her foot impatiently.  "Probably went to put on some makeup.  This will be a while." 

* * *

"Amy!  Come on and watch this."  Sheldon yelled from the couch.

"What for?"  Amy yelled back from bed.

"Um.. so you can watch the news.. and you can hold my hand for a few seconds if you _hurry up_!"  Sheldon replied.  Amy ran to him giddily and sat down on Sheldon's right.

"Ok.  Where's your hand Sheldon?"

"Bazinga!"  Sheldon laughed childishly.

"No fair!  Gimme!"  Amy's hand gripped Sheldon's tightly.

"That.. that's an uncomfortable grip.  Let go."  Sheldon mentioned, a bit agonized.

"No."  Amy said flatly.

"I changed my mind."

"Too late no backsies." 

Sheldon and Amy watch the ominous news about the zombie virus coming to the Americas.

"I can't believe it Amy.  It looks like the end."

"I know."

"Ugh."  Sheldon has his right hand free again.  "You know what else?"

"What?"

"You have the vise like death grip of someone who has lived in Glendale too long." 

"Ha.  Ha."

"Or maybe that's just you."  

"It's me."  

Sheldon and Amy kept on sitting and watching the tv.  

"I want to change the channel."  Sheldon looked like he was getting antsy.

"No.  I want to watch this, Sheldon."

"Alright Amy.  I will go shower and I'll see you in half an hour."

"Sheldon wait."

Sheldon turned around, having just started to walk away.  "Wait for what?"  

"I... I'm really happy that you're here."

"Likewise."  

* * *

"Raj I have to tell you something."  Priya said, pleading.

Raj said back, "What?"

"Well, two things.  One please don't say the words 'come out' or talk about coming out.  It just sounds like you're a faggot, that you're going to 'come out of the closet' and say you're gay."

"I never said those words like that."  

"Well it sounded like a double entendre and that is why I was laughing so hard."   

"You know you are prissy and bitchy and whatever, but I thought you were mature.  You're not.  None of that is funny."

"It is to me."

"You are terrible!"

"Out of everyone, I'm the one most on your side!  All the other siblings are totally convinced you are gay, and our parents keep obsessing about it!  So how is that my fault?"

"Just forget about the family!  Forget about the idiotic rumors going around in India.  I don't give a damn about any of it!" 

"Fair enough.  The other thing is I needed to get out of India.  Coming here was my best option." 

"Why?"

"I lost my position with that stupid car company in India.  A few months ago."  

"Ouch." 

"Being a business lawyer sucks.  Anyways I did absolutely everything I could to keep busy, pretend I was still working, while discretely looking for something new." 

"How did that work out?"

"Really crummy.  Nothing turned up.  I was depressed and isolated.  Last month I went to London to get an opening at a firm.  Career wise it was nothing worth mentioning, but at least I was able to escape for a while." 

"Didn't mummy and daddy find out you got fired?"

"Hmm.  I'm not sure.   Moving out of my apartment was probably a red flag but I played it as cool as I could."

"What then?"

"So long story short I told them about the car company's financial trouble and poor work environment so 'quitting' would look good."  

"Ah."  

"So for some time I know what it felt like to be you- pathetic and alone."  Priya stated this matter of factly, as indifferently as discussing neutral, impersonal topics.  

"I really object to that.  I'm not pathetic.  Also I'm not interested in being physical with you anymore."  Priya frowned a little, looking disappointed.  

"Wow."  Priya said, stunned.  "Are you _sure_ you're not gay?"

"I can't believe you won't shutup!"  Raj opened the bedroom door and began to walk towards the main door.  He had a jacket on and looked like he was carrying some things in a bag.

"I didn't mean that I was just teasing you."  Priya laughed a little.  Raj said nothing.  "Raj where are you going?"

"Out."

"Can I come with you?"

" _ **No!!**_ I'm leaving to get _away_ from you!"

"Raj you'll die out there!"

"You don't know that."

"You can't go!"

"Watch me."  Raj firmly shut the door on his way out.


	11. Introductory Ramifications

 

               Mike Rostenkowski dragged the body out of the apartment, gripping the corpse around the armpits while Howard held the door for him.

"Doesn't this look weird?" Mike said. "It looks like I killed myself. Now I'm taking myself out." Bernadette's dad grinned impishly while making light in the darkest way possible.

"That's not funny dad." Bernadette stated plainly.

Howard looked to turn to say something to Bernadette's father. "Well, that is sort of funny, but I can't bring myself to laugh at that. Sorry, Mike."

"Ahh it's just as well. Forget it. Bernadette has always been the serious one."

"I am.  Now let's get serious, please."

"Well all right."   Mike walked back into the apartment briskly to get to the kitchen sink.  He rinsed off the bloodied gloves and his hands with soap and hot water.

Howard stood unevenly, arms uncomfortably at his sides.  Wolowitz looked down slightly toward the ground, and away from where the awful smelling man died.

"So.. erm.. Mike, um, what now?  What about all this blood all over the place?"  Howard said, in an unsure manner.

"I kept my word that I would help get rid of the body and at least right now it's not in this apartment.  Two officers came with me."  The bald man exhaled a bit and frowned somewhat, having to make more conversation than is his usual.  He continued.  "They are making the rounds out in the hall, keeping an eye out.  The officers are talking to your neighbors, saying the situation here is under control.  The people close by could hear those gunshots."  Mike finished impatiently, "The two should be coming here saying they wrapped things up by now!" 

"Ok.  Thanks by the way for the info.  I mean what about us?  Should we stay here or go stay at my mother's?"  Howard responded earnestly and in a normal way.

"I don't know.  Now is a good time for you two to sort things out.  I'll be back."  Mike proceeded to walk away, opening and closing the door, stepping out of the apartment.

Howard grinned a small amount and stared right at Bernadette.  "So, what do you think?"

"Think about what?  Can you be more specific?"

"For starters, the smell is much better than before."

"Yeah.  Working with organs, we use preservatives at work and one side effect is a more manageable smell.  The rotten corpse definitely smelled like fresh feces and decaying tissue." 

"So you want to stay?"

"I do.  But remaining here isn't the best idea, and with your mother gone I wouldn't mind the spacious house." 

"But she's not gone yet." 

"For the last time, I will _not_ live with or put up with your mother!" 

"Ok.  I got it loud and clear!"

"I have an idea.  Call your mother and tell her what happened.  I'll go see what's going on with my father."

"I'm on it."  Howard walked into the bedroom and shut the door.

 

* * *

             Rajesh Koothrappali only had the chance to take a small number of steps, not getting very far from his apartment.  A few doors down there was an open door on the left.  Raj peered in slightly but did not turn his head.  He kept walking to get to the outside of the building and of course into his car.  He heard sounds behind him, but didn't seem concerned and he kept on walking.  

"Hey."  Raj heard that but not too clearly.  Anyone could have said that.  "Hey!"  That voice sounded clearer, like a man's voice.  Raj looked behind him but kept on going.

"Candy!  Where's all my goddamn candy!?"  The speech sounded slightly slurred and animated, as if the candy was really important and the fact that it was missing was serious.  A short white guy in his mid to late twenties appeared, with rimmed hipster glasses, a t-shirt, torn jeans, and a long descending brown beard that looked like it belonged in rural America, or the 1800's.  It was hard to tell what was in the one hand, but the other hand had a tall silver can, most likely some kind of alcoholic beverage.

"What?  I don't know anything about candy."  Raj said back.

"You were in my apartment!  You stole all my candy!  Or ate it all, or something." 

Raj quickened his pace while the stranger kept coming closer to him.  "No, never, absolutely not!  I don't even know you!" 

"Well what's in the bag?"

"My things from _my_ apartment." 

"Lies, all lies!  Let me look in the bag man." 

"No!" Raj shouted, while starting to run away, rejecting his ridiculous words.  The drunken man taunted him.  "What's a matter?  Why are you running away you thief!?"

"To get away from your drunken ass you psycho!"  Raj yelled in a retort.

The other guy yelled in a rowdy and bellicose manner.  "Damn you!  Fuck you you fucking Mexican!"

"What the heck?  I'm _Indian_ , not Mexican!"  Raj said, panting and perplexed.  Raj saw he was almost to the end of the hall, around where the stairs were.  "He is too stupidly drunk.. or whatever." 

Raj looked back when the drunk threw his can at him.  The can clanged on the ground loudly, denoting its emptiness.  Raj was glad the other guy was far back enough to be relatively harmless, but Raj kept moving anyway.  Raj heard the drunken accuser let out a groan.  The other object in the inebriated guy's hand was a knife.  He threw the knife and it flew in the air.  Raj was having a difficult time looking backward and running forward.  The short bearded guy stammered and staggered about, coming to a relative halt.  He yelled out about his enormous hatred of all those foreign assholes who work in the call centers. 

"I never worked in a call center, or any menial job."  Raj said back, at least trying to clear the air.   Luckally, Raj had run fast enough and kept enough distance where the small blade landed well short of where it would even get close to hitting him. 

While looking behind him, Raj picked up on the opportunity and turned around.  He dove for the knife first, and the other guy tried to get his knife back, but it was too late.  The bearded guy breathed hard and looked haggard.  Raj completed his dive and grabbed the knife's handle.  Raj stood up, brandishing the knife's blade.  Raj waved it furiously in front of the glassy eyed bearded man.

"Step back fool!  Run away while you can!"  Raj yelled in a stern tone.  "This ends now!"  

* * *

            Howard paced back and forth in their master bedroom.  Bernadette entered the room and she looked at her husband.  Wolowitz did not say much while he was listening to his mother. 

"Uh huh.  _Uh huh_.  Mmmhmm.  Yeah."  Bernadette mouthed hurry up and made the wrap it up motion with her hands.  Howard pointed upward, mouthing hold on.  "I have to check with Bernadette and see what Mr. Rostenkowski are doing."  Bernadette made a cringing gesture.  Howard looked back at Bernadette.  He appeared just as eager to stop talking with his mother.  "Okay.  Alright.  I'll call you back.  Bye." 

"So how was talking with your mother?"  Bernadette asked.

"Oh, much better than I could have hoped for.  After hearing a little sobbing from her and choking back tears and everything, I finally made it clear I am perfectly okay.  Then I asked about her and she sounded happy.  It's the big news with my mom: two large bodies made contact!  They're leaving!"  Howard replied with a joyous look on his face.

"What do you mean by that?" 

"Our waiter made contact!  He is at my mother's.  The good news is my mother suspects her old dentist friend set this up.  So I'm in the clear!  She doesn't suspect a thing."

"Great!  When is she leaving?"

"Soon.  I don't know.  She wants to see me before she goes."

"Of course she does."  Bernadette shrugged. 

"So what did Mike have to say?" 

"My dad said we are two adults who have to make our own decisions.  But he thinks we should move on to your mother's house, since he doesn't believe we are safe here." 

"We might as well leave now."

"I don't want to just leave!  I'm not ready!"  Bernadette whined.

"So?  I wasn't ready for any of this to happen and yet it is.  Your dad can't just wait around for you to be 'ready' so let's get out there and talk to him." 

"You go out there!"

"Me?  He's _your_ father!  You do it." 

Bernadette folded her arms and pouted.  "Why?  What for?"

"I'm going to call Raj. I haven't talked to him lately or seen him.  I'd like to call, just to check up on him.  I'll see you in a minute." 

* * *

             Raj made sure he had a good handle on his bag.  Raj looked down on the hand with the knife in it.  There was blood on the knife.  Raj looked at himself and shook his head. 

"Okay Raj, it worked out this time, but I can't close my eyes and just wave a knife around like a little duster!"  Raj ran down the steps, not wanting to look back.  Koothrappali reached the end of the stairway, and peaked behind him and looked up.  He saw nothing. Raj did not hear anything either.  Satisfied, Raj caught sight of a small trash can and managed to throw away the knife.  His hand appeared bloody, not from injury, but the other crummy guys blood getting on him.  Sickened, he placed his bag on the ground and looked for something for his hand.  Finding a rag, Raj cleaned up his hand then threw the rag away.

"No sense in keeping a bloody rag."  Raj said to himself.  A short time later, Raj's phone vibrated.  He looked at the phone and saw that Howard was calling. 

"Hey Howard what's up?"  Raj said cheerfully.

"A great deal.  Bernie and I are leaving for our mother's house.  You sound like you're in a good mood." 

"Well things were going well earlier.  I had great Korean food last night.  Good times."

"I heard."

"Ok.  Well one thing you didn't hear about is the fact that I got laid!"

"Oh wow.  So Priya didn't like that huh?"

"Um.."

"Um what?"  Howard waited for Raj to say something but he heard nothing.  "Oh no... you didn't sleep with your sister did you?" 

"I did, actually.  Damn dude how did you guess?"

"Two reasons buddy.  I slept with my cousin so I know how these things happen.  Secondly, if it were anyone else you would have called about it triumphantly, or at least texted me something like 'Operation Booty Call is a success!  Mission Accomplished!'" 

"Dang, you really do have me figured out.  Anyway I'm getting in my car.  Oh and one of the douchebag neighbors tried to chase me down after I left my apartment.  He was a big druggie or something.  It was awful.  At least now he's dead, pretty sure on that.  He had a knife on him and I had to use it against him."  

"Shocking stuff.  Something similar happened to us here.  I'll tell you more about it later, but long story short the intruder ran into plenty of gunfire!"

"Aye.  I'm glad you're alright that is good to hear."

"So meet up at my mother's house?"

"Ok.  I'm coming over as soon as I can.  Bye Howard!" 


End file.
